since our text messages yesterday. Why does that seem like such a long time ago?
The need to be with him is slowly creeping toward previous—and crazy—teenage levels. When you just want to be with the other one. To be their person. To want them to want you as badly as you want them. Day and night.
I told my mom last night what happened and she reminded me about what several therapists have told us before, both individually and together. First, when I went through my health issues, then when we were told about Dad’s cancer and learned we’d lose him soon, and then when we lost him. Many therapy sessions over the years.
Grief is different for everyone, and we need to allow people to go through their own process. As long as it’s in a healthy and safe way.
I dropped an enormous bomb on Noah, one he couldn’t have seen coming from a mile away. And all of that right after we had amazing sex.
Talk about going from a high to a low.
It might take some time for him to come to terms with my situation. With everything that entails.
And I know that because my whole family has had to grieve several losses, something else Mom and I discussed. Not just my grandfather’s death blackened those days all those years ago. My parents were grieving the possibility that their daughter would die before them. So many tears. So many moments of sheer agony. And then Mom and I again walked through a dark, dark time when Dad was diagnosed.
Part of me doesn’t want to start the grieving process again with Noah, but I do want his friendship. I’d hate to lose him as a friend now that I just got him back.
Of course, I’m insanely attracted to him still, and I don’t mind enjoying some physical benefits from our . . . friendship, but only if we can both handle it.
And isn’t that the sore spot? Because I’m not sure we handle it, but then, I don’t think I could deal with more either.
When it comes down to it, wasn’t this exactly the reason why I lied to him back then? Because I didn’t want to derail his life with my issues? Because he deserves everything he wants without being held back by me?
Are things better now for me? Yes, and no.
Ugh. All of this is ridiculously frustrating, and I let my feet hit the asphalt a little harder than necessary.
Normally going for a walk helps, but it doesn’t seem to work today, which sucks. I really wanted to clear my head before I go to the hospital.
I stop and put my hands on my hips. Huffing and puffing about this won’t make anything better. When the wind blows in my face, I close my eyes.
Trying to relax, trying to get rid of all this anxiety.
When I feel marginally better, I continue and turn into my street—our street—just as two cats race past me. At least one of them is letting out a terrible noise.
What on earth? The noise shrills through the air once more. Goodness, that doesn’t sound normal. Are they okay, or is one of them in danger and needs help?
I run after them, across the street, where they disappear behind Noah’s yard gate.
Dang it.
Should I let them be, or should I check on them?
I rattle on the gate, and of course, it’s locked.
The noises that definitely sound like painful wails to me don’t seem to have left Noah’s yard. Shit.
Did one cat get the other one and is attacking it now in earnest?
Ugh. Somehow I just know I’ll regret this, but I can’t let a cat massacre happen on my watch.
So, with all the finesse I possess, I jump up to grab the top of the gate and try to pull myself up.
It takes me several tries to heave myself all the way to the top, but I eventually manage.
Mental note: Add more upper body exercises to my workout plan.
When I finally get to the top—with my stomach resting against the top of the gate—I rest for a moment to catch my breath.
“Mmm, Chloe?” Noah’s voice comes from behind me, and I close my eyes.
Might as well die of mortification right up here.
My ass is probably right at his eye-level.
How embarrassing, seriously.
Then the cat noises sound again and I wiggle around, just to realize that I’ve somehow gotten my shirt stuck at the top.
What is this? The “make Chloe’s life miserable” show? When all I wanted was