to reconcile the way I was feeling about Austin with all the other thoughts in my head, the ones that told me that things with Austin would’ve never worked, that I needed to be real about what a future between us would’ve actually looked like.
Meanwhile, Austin was living in a fantasy world of his own, one where I was just a stand-in for Edward, a father figure that told him that he was perfect and beautiful and could do no wrong, while also providing him with a warm body and a warm bed.
I was shaken by it. The thought that Austin was only sleeping with me because of my proxy status to his late father, the thought that Austin had been turned on by me playing daddy to those teenagers who’d been vandalizing my cabin. I had no interest in playing that role in Austin’s life, the one where he looked to me both for punishment and praise, the one where he seemed to crave both.
Fuck, no wonder Austin had seemed so desperate to figure out where we stood with each other. It wasn’t because he wanted me, it was because he wanted to know if I wanted him, if I was ever going to come full circle and claim him as my own, if I was ever going to officially take him under my wing—
“Fuck!” I voiced my thoughts out loud as I sank into the living room couch, a wave of frustration hitting me like a brick to the back of the head.
Because even though I knew exactly what Austin wanted from me now, what role he wanted me to play, I still couldn’t stop myself from wanting him. I wanted him so much that the thought of never seeing him again felt like it was burning a hole right through my stomach. I wanted him so much that I was already thinking about what kind of bouquet I was going to send him at the Bed & Breakfast, which arrangement would’ve worked best if I wanted to apologize from the heart.
I wanted him so much that I couldn’t stop wanting him, even if I’d tried.
I stood up from the couch and headed for the bedroom, mentally making a to-do list along the way, with the first item being finding the best way to apologize to Austin.
And the second item being to figure out just what the hell I was going to do about how I felt about Austin, anyway.
Austin never replied to the flowers.
Or to the cards. Or to the messages I’d left at the front desk at the B&B.
Which was how I knew that he was avoiding me, either because he hated my guts or because he’d finally moved on with someone else. It’d been a few days since I’d seen Austin, and with how things had shaken out between us, it wouldn’t have surprised me to run into him somewhere in town, hanging off another guy’s arm.
Besides, it wasn’t like he hadn’t told me that we were done. Although, at the time, I’d figured that he was just saying the phrase in the heat of the moment, the words rolling off his tongue sparked more by anger than anything else. But as more time passed with us not speaking to each other, it was starting to feel all too real, like maybe Austin Williams truly wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
I had absolutely no idea how to deal with him not being in my life. I didn’t know what I was going to do if I never got to see Austin smile over at me anymore, if I never heard his laugh again, if I never watched him come undone underneath me.
“Hey! Cabin guy!” A young man, sporting a familiar red beanie took a seat beside me on the bench at the local park. “You’re cabin guy, right? The guy with the cabin?”
“I was just trying to eat my lunch,” I murmured before I let out a heavy sigh. I’d wandered down to the park in a futile attempt to clear my head, trying my best to not let Austin occupy every free inch of space in my brain. “Did you need something?”
“You look sad, man.” The teen shook his head. “Girl troubles?” He then held up a finger as he self-corrected. “Sorry. Guy troubles?”
“You’re one of the guys that broke my windows, right?” I shot back, completely ignoring his line of questioning. “Did you come over here to pay me back what you