punishment have been used, official and popular. Speak slowly, one at a time, so the interpreter can pass them on to the foreigner.”
The swine said, “Your humble servant heard his shifu say that among the punishments permitted by the current regime, none exceeds the slicing death in terms of brutality.”
“That is your specialty,” His Excellency said. “It is the one you used on Qian Xiongfei in Tianjin. It is a worthy punishment, but death comes a bit too quickly, I think.”
His Excellency then turned and nodded meaningfully to me. Dear wife, few men are as crafty as Excellency Yuan, and no one is better informed. He clearly knew that Qian Xiongfei and I were related. Yes, he stared at me with a squinting smile, a smile that would have been welcome were it not for the light that shone from his eyes—like the sting of a scorpion or the bite of a hornet—and then, as if he had just been reminded, he said, “Gaomi Magistrate, they say that Qian Xiongfei, the man who tried to assassinate me, was your cousin. Is that true?” Dear wife, I felt as if I had been struck by lightning. Cold sweat oozed from my pores as I fell to my knees and banged my head on the floor as if I were crushing cloves of garlic. I tell you, dear wife, your husband’s head has been badly abused today! Backed into a corner, I was reminded of a rustic adage that goes, “Whether one lives or dies is already written somewhere,” and if I simply admitted the relationship, I would not have to suffer the consequences of trying to cover something up. So I said, “May it please Your Excellency, Qian Xiongfei was your humble servant’s third brother, but because my uncle had no heir, he raised him as his son.” His Excellency nodded and said, “A dragon has nine sons, each different from the others. I have read the letters you wrote to him, and they are worthy of a successful double candidate at the metropolitan examination. As the descendant of an illustrious family, you write eloquently, with fine calligraphy and an elevated tone. But you have not seen the letter he wrote to you, one in which he severed relations with you and poured out a stream of invective against you. Gaomi County, you are an honest man, and an intelligent one, and it has always been my belief that honesty equals intelligence. Gaomi County, though there are no wings on your cap, it is on the verge of soaring into the sky. Get up!” I tell you, dear wife, this has been an extraordinary day, with danger lurking at every turn. Pour the spirits, dear wife. It would be unreasonable for you to refuse me. I shall get drunk before I take my rest.
Dear wife, we know that my third brother suffered the slicing death in Tianjin, but were surprised to learn that his executioner was that swine Zhao Jia. How true the adage that “Old foes are fated to meet.” Yuan Shikai is a man of wisdom and wide experience, with honey on his lips and murder in his heart, and my misfortune will be certain now that I have fallen into his hands. Drink up, dear wife, take advantage of the good days, for the arrival of bad times is ensured. Man has but one life, grass sees but one spring. I am prepared for anything.
That swine cast a furtive look at me, his gaze sweeping across my neck, probably searching out the junctures to determine the best spot for the sword to enter.
Excellency Yuan left me standing there and turned to Zhao Jia. “Besides the slicing death, can you think of any other splendid forms of punishment?”
The swine said, “Other than the slicing death, the cruelest form of punishment approved by the current regime, Your Excellency, is cleaving at the waist.”
Excellency Yuan asked him, “Have you ever performed that?”
“Once,” the swine said.
“Describe it for the benefit of the Plenipotentiary,” Excellency Yuan said.
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2
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“Your Excellency,” the swine said, “in the seventh year of the Xianfeng reign, your humble servant was a seventeen-year-old ‘nephew’ in the Board of Punishments Bureau of Detentions, serving his shifu, assisting the Grandma at executions and attentively studying his every move and action. The person to be killed by waist cleaving that day was a clerk at the Imperial Treasury, a big man with a mouth so large he could fit his entire fist in it.