chair I purposely took so I wouldn’t distract him from his work. I also took it so I could try and warm my body, which has felt icy ever since I walked away from Westminster Abbey.
“I don’t want to bother you,” I say, shifting my gaze to the flames licking the logs in the fire.
The crackling of the fire is now the only sound filling the room.
Then I hear Xander get up. I turn to see him moving towards me. To my surprise, he drops down on one knee in front of me, taking my hands in his.
“Christ, your hands are like ice, Sunshine,” he says, his brow creasing in concern. “Are you feeling ill?”
His blue eyes lock on mine. And while I feel vulnerable and stupid for feeling the way I do, I know I can never hide my thoughts and emotions from him.
Nor do I want to.
I lick my lips. He squeezes my hands in his again.
“Today, I met Isla for lunch,” I say. “As you know.”
He nods, his hands never leaving mine.
“On the way to the restaurant, I had to walk past Westminster Abbey,” I continue. “It’s one of my favourite places in London. I had tears the first time I stepped inside of it. Because it was so powerful, being in that sacred space.”
His eyes search mine, desperate to see where I’m going. I pause for a moment, but there’s no shoving back the thickness that is swelling in my throat.
“And …” I say, my voice faltering.
“Poppy, what happened?” Xander says, his voice steeped with concern. “What has upset you so much?”
“I saw your future,” I tell him, my eyes filling with tears. “I saw how hard it would be. The tremendous weight that you must carry. The history. The pressure and the responsibility is … is … suffocating.”
Before my eyes, Xander goes pale. To my surprise, he drops my hands. He stays kneeling before me, but his eyes … all the light has gone out of them.
“I don’t want t—” I start to say, but Xander abruptly rises and turns away from me, catching me off guard.
He goes to the mantle of the fireplace and turns his head away from me. His hands brace against the polished wood. He’s gripping it so hard, his knuckles are turning white.
I rise from my chair, my heart racing in panic. I’m about to touch him when his head snaps back towards me.
“Don’t,” he says gruffly.
“Xander, I—”
“You changed your mind about us,” he says for me, his voice laced with pain as he shifts his eyes to the mantle. “You saw what my life is going to be. It hit you square in the face today, didn’t it? The expectations and pressure and living a life that’s not yours. You felt it for the first time. And now …” His voice grows very thick, and I watch him swallow a few times before he can continue. “You don’t want to be with me.”
“No, no, Xander, that’s not it at all!” I protest, appalled that he misread what I was saying. “I promise, it’s not!”
His head snaps towards mine. I don’t dare touch him at this point. I have to make him understand not with actions, but with words that are real and true and honest.
And from my heart.
“It’s not?” he asks, his eyes seeking the answer in mine.
“It’s not,” I repeat, my voice shaky. “I understood what it might be like if, in the future, we were to be together. And I … I was afraid I’d let you down. That I’d disappoint you. Embarrass you.” A single tear rolls down my cheek.
“Oh, Poppy, no, no,” Xander says, quickly moving to me and brushing my tear away with his fingertips. “I would never feel that way about you.”
“You say that now,” I reply, pouring out my heart to him. “But what if the tabloids mocked me? Mocked you for picking me? What if everyone was disappointed by me? What if I ruined the monarchy? What if I did things that the courtiers didn’t like? What if people said I couldn’t fill Queen Antonia’s shoes? I’m so far from what the courtiers expect for a man like you, Xander. I don’t want to ruin you.”
“Bollocks to that,” Xander snaps angrily, his eyes flashing in fury. He puts his hands on my shoulders, his fingertips firm. “I want you to listen to me. You would never, ever embarrass me or the monarchy. If anyone were to think that a woman like