because she didn’t have the words. She didn’t think she needed words . . . she wanted action. She wanted to capture what she’d felt beside that moon-soaked lake last night. Standing with him beside that water had been the best she’d felt in forever. She wasn’t using him. Not really. He made her sound like a horrible person, and she wasn’t.
“I’m not a Band-Aid, Ellery. You can’t patch over the bad with someone like me. It’s not fair. It’s not healthy. If you want to talk, I can do that. But I’m not going to screw you and then watch you sashay away with the guy who gave you a big diamond because you’re too afraid of living honestly. That’s what I’m saying.”
Ellery swallowed and tried to stop the angry tears gathering in her eyes. Back to square one on the crying thing. Back to the starting line on the race through a shit-strewn uphill path. Back to feeling out of control in the worst of ways. “I don’t know how to do what you want me to do.”
“That’s the thing, babe. This isn’t about what I want. This is about you stripping all this shit away until you’re down to bare bones. This is about you examining who you are and then deciding who you truly want to be. You may not understand what I’m saying, but I hope you do. I hope you want more than what you’ve allowed yourself. Because, Ellery, I want you, but if I’m going to have you, I want all of you.”
His words did something to her. I want all of you.
Pursing her lips together, she rounded the open door, passing by him as he held it open. “Thanks for the insight, Dr. Phil. And so you know, I wasn’t trying to use you.”
“Maybe not, but you would have.”
At that moment she hated him because she knew he was right. Her life was in shambles, and she reached for someone to save her. The sexy bartender who seemed to see right through her could have made her feel better, but she hadn’t given one thought to what it might have done to him to give her the sweet escape she needed. Her hand curled into a fist, and she thought about hitting him, which was the most idiotic response she’d ever had, but the truth he’d handed her was almost too much to take. Anger laced with humiliation trampled her common sense.
How dare he kiss her like that and then lecture her as if she were a child?
He noticed her closed fist and caught her hand before she disappeared through the doorway. Uncurling it, he reached into his back pocket and pulled out a Sharpie. Capturing the cap between his too-white teeth, he put the pen to her palm. Then he curled it back closed. “Call me when you’re ready.”
Then he walked back to the bar.
“In your fucking dreams,” she called back, slamming the door, wanting to rub off the phone number he’d written on her skin . . . but also praying she didn’t smudge the number because obviously she was completely nuts.
She stood in the foyer of the winery looking at the glass door of the gift shop. She had the irrational urge to kick the door. But then Marin, Evan’s sister, appeared outside the winery’s main door. She juggled two grocery bags and a ring of keys. She paused when she saw Ellery standing in the foyer, looking, no doubt, angry as a spitting cat.
The older woman opened the unlocked door, looking confused, but managed a passable smile. “Uh, hi. Can I help you?”
“Only if you have Xanax and a time machine,” Ellery said, hurrying past her.
“You and me both, sweetheart,” Marin called as Ellery headed for the exit.
Ellery didn’t stick around to apologize. Instead she hustled toward the winding staircase that would take her back to Vine House. Where her keys sat on the dresser next to the “do me” red lipstick she’d carefully painted on last night.
Only one thought pounded in her head.
Run.
She couldn’t deal with touring the vineyard with her mother like what had happened that morning was no big deal, and the thought of bumping into Clay made vomit rise in her throat. Josh would be off to Shreveport to meet his precious study group, and though her friends had made such a sweet effort on her behalf, she was almost certain they were as happy about a free weekend out of town as they