But you don’t really feel that way.”
He was getting even tenser now. Defensive. “I know you’re trying to understand all this without any preparation, but it’s not that simple. It’s complicated.”
“I don’t really think it is. I’m not saying it’s wrong to feel that way, Fitz. I understand why you do. But you’ve been running away from it for years now. Hiding from it. It’s kept you from living life. Kept you from opening up to me. And it’s going to keep us from having a real relationship.”
“It doesn’t have to keep us—”
She wasn’t crying anymore. Something inside her felt empty now, and it was worse than anything. “Yes. It does. You know it too. You’ve known it from the beginning, which is why you spent so long trying not to feel the way you do about me. Why you never made a move. And even now you’ve got one foot in and one foot out the door. Because you can’t commit. You’re afraid that if you do, the same thing will happen again. You’ll make one mistake and lose everything.”
He’d been looking at her in the dark room as she spoke, but at this he jerked his head to the side again. His shoulders rose and fell fast and uneven. “I don’t think that’s it,” he gritted out.
“Maybe it’s not. What the hell do I know? You wouldn’t even tell me your last name.”
Her tone was edged with a bitterness she didn’t like, and he obviously heard it too. “So you are going to break up with me?”
“I don’t want to. It’s the last thing I want. But we have to deal with this, Fitz. I’m not a kid anymore. I can’t just hang around with a guy for very long without the relationship moving forward. I can’t do this halfway.”
“So what... what do you want?”
“I want you to tell me if there’s even a chance of you being all in.” There was a sob in her voice she could barely control. “Because we can’t go on like this for much longer. I’m not going to be one of those women who pretend they’re okay with a half-hearted relationship—because it’s all they think they can get. I’m not okay with that. I want everything, or I’m better off on my own.”
The words hurt her, even as she said them. But she knew they were true. They were right. She’d seen far too many women throw themselves away, holding on to the bare edges of a relationship because it was all the man would give them.
That wasn’t enough for her. Even with Fitz. She’d rather break herself in half now and then start to heal than to have piece after piece of her crumble away, hoping for something that would never happen.
They sat on the bed together, facing each other’s direction but not really seeing the other. There was no sound in the room except their urgent breathing.
“I don’t want this to end,” she said at last when she found her voice again. “But I have to take care of myself too. And if we go much further, my heart will be all in—” She broke off abruptly as she realized the truth.
Her heart was already all in.
She loved him, and she’d just pushed him away, as surely as if she’d slammed a door in his face. No man would want to be trapped the way she’d just trapped him. Especially Fitz, who’d spend the past seven years running from any strings or attachments.
She might have just destroyed them, when all she’d wanted to do was save them.
Or maybe there’d been nothing real to save to begin with. Not if he wouldn’t commit. Not if he didn’t love her the way she did him.
“Okay,” he said, raw and torn. “Okay. I understand what you’re saying.” He leaned over to kiss her mouth gently. “I think I need to be alone for a while.”
“All right. Just... just... let me know.”
Let me know. What a ridiculous way to end the conversation. End a relationship.
Fitz didn’t love her, and she knew it now. If he did, he wouldn’t be getting out of bed and putting on his clothes. Walking away from her. Leaving her alone.
But she’d rather be alone than be with a man who didn’t love her all the way.
In her confusion and inexperience, she might have made a mess of this conversation with Fitz, exactly as she’d feared she would, but she hadn’t made a mistake.
Ten
FITZ LEFT BELINDA’S house, feeling like