time.”
“Sort of?” He scooted over to drop his legs over the side of the bed so he was sitting beside her. “How do you sort of date someone?”
“I don’t know. I guess we were dating. But it didn’t feel...” She sighed, wondering how she’d stumbled into this confession. “With both of them, I was the one who kept initiating things. They went along with it. I mean, they were both decent guys, and I liked them, and I guess they liked me well enough to go out with me and sleep with me. But I kept expecting them to take steps forward, and they never did. And eventually I gave up because I wanted them to... to want me enough to take initiative. It’s kind of embarrassing that both relationships happened in the same way. What does that say about me?”
“It says nothing about you. It says something about them.”
“Maybe. But still... I don’t want a guy to just go along with what I suggest. I want someone who... who’s excited to take every step forward.” She was still staring down at her hands, too vulnerable to see the expression on Fitz’s face.
He was quiet for a while. Just a little too long. Belinda’s heart started to sink like a weight.
The disappointment was so familiar—so inevitable—that she could almost laugh about it. She slanted him a look. “You don’t want to take any steps forward with me, do you?”
She could sense some sort of struggle inside him—silent and powerful. She could only assume he knew what he needed to say but was reluctant to get it said because he didn’t want to hurt her feelings.
“It’s okay,” she said lightly, preserving her pride if nothing else. “I’m not expecting some sort of declaration of love or something. It was good sex. That can be enough.”
“It’s not enough,” he said, just a little rough. “And a guy would be crazy to not be excited to take the next step with you. But I... can’t.”
It hurt. It couldn’t help but hurt even though she’d never dreamed of having a serious relationship with this man—not until this very minute. But it felt like a loss in her life anyway. She wasn’t going to show him that though. She was a mature, realistic person, and she wasn’t silly enough to assume a random night of sex meant serious feelings. “Okay. That’s probably for the best. I’m not sure we... we could work out.”
Her voice wobbled slightly at the end, but hopefully he hadn’t noticed.
She wanted to know why he didn’t want her. Why he couldn’t offer her more. Why he was so sure that he couldn’t take the next step with her. But the answers might hurt more than she was hurting right now.
Plus a no was a no. It didn’t matter the reasons.
She reached for her fuzzy-lined boots and pulled them on before she stood up. She smiled down on him, hoping she looked like a regular woman might look after a one-night stand. “I did enjoy last night. So thanks for making sure it was good for me.”
“You’re welcome.” He stood up too. The warm glint was gone from his eyes. He looked sober. Tired. “Thank you. It was the best night I’ve ever had.”
She nodded, appreciating that he’d told her that, whether it was true or not. “Is it all right if... if we don’t tell anyone what happened?”
“Of course. No one will know about it from me.”
She nodded again. Then felt stupid that she couldn’t keep her head still. She found her purse and the box with the beautiful cherry-blossom pendant he’d given her. Then she walked to the door and stood with her hand on the knob. She glanced back to where he was standing in the middle of the floor, his hands curled into loose fists at his sides. “I’ll see you later, Fitz.”
“Yes. Goodbye, Belinda.”
She didn’t like the sound of that, but it didn’t matter what she liked.
Fitz didn’t want her any more than all the other men in her life. No one had ever wanted her enough to take the next step.
Her eyes burned, but she didn’t let the tears fall as she walked out his door and shut it gently behind her.
THE NEXT FEW WEEKS were kind of hard. They weren’t terrible. After all, it wasn’t like she’d been holding on to silly daydreams about Fitz. It wasn’t like she’d ever hoped for a future with him. The whole thing had come out of nowhere, overwhelming