just cleaning up the sauce. I moved an envelope, and this was underneath.”
He sat back against the couch cushions, sighing. “It was a long time ago.”
Jess peered down at the paper. “This letter’s dated last month.”
“I just made a random request for information. No big deal.”
“You deferred admission to Stanford premed twelve years ago. I’m pretty sure that goes in the big deal category.” She handed the paper toward him. “And a month ago, you asked whether you could still exercise the deferment. That is definitely in the big deal category.”
“I was just curious. And it wasn’t really a month ago. It was at Christmastime last year. Just took them forever to reply.”
“Cole? Did you seriously want to go to med school back then?” How had she never known this side of him?
“Maybe.” He put up his hands. “But then Emily died, and Dad went haywire, and Decker was—gone.”
“So you got stuck here.”
“Stuck is a strong word.”
“Maybe.” She took a sip of her wine. “But God, Cole. You could have been a doctor by now.”
He shrugged slowly. “Life had other plans for me, I guess.”
“But—why’d you ask about the deferment? Are you—leaving?”
Jess gulped, her throat actually hurting. For two years now, Cole had been synonymous with Whisper Creek. It was Decker, Cole, and Ma—and now Kyla. Never in that span of time had she imagined this ranch without Cole firmly at the helm.
When Kyla and Hayley had pushed her hard today about moving out here for the summer at least, she’d had Cole in that decision equation. She still didn’t know what might even happen between them, but imagining coming out to Montana without him here made her feel—completely unsettled. She’d have her friends, and she’d have a landscape that no other place on earth could compete with, but if Cole wasn’t here, it’d feel…empty.
He sat forward, elbows on his knees. “It’s hard to explain, Jess.”
“Try me.”
“I don’t know.” He looked around—out the back window, out the front, at her. “I’m happy here. I am. But a little piece of me has always wondered what might have been. I always had this itch, this feeling that maybe I was supposed to be somewhere else, even while I was soaking up what I loved about right here.
“When Decker came back, I thought—maybe this is my chance. Once he gets his feet under him again, maybe I’ll take some time and just go see. Go see what else is out there, see what I might be good at besides this. See if there’s something I like better, you know? Because I never really had the chance to know.”
She nodded, sipping her wine and trying to quell the panicky feeling growing in her gut.
“Stanford’s always eaten at me—the could’ve beens. I don’t even know if I ever wanted to be a doctor, Jess. I applied just as much to see if I could get in as I did because I had some deep-seated desire to wear a white coat and work nine-to-five.” He blew out a breath. “But after Christmastime, I just had this weird urge to find out. So I inquired.”
Then he looked at her. “Nobody besides Daniel knows this, okay? It would kill Ma if she found out.”
“I won’t say anything.”
“Even to Hayley and Kyla. Please.”
“Promise.” Jess tapped her fingers on her glass, wishing she could breathe normally. “So, what are you going to do? Are you going to reapply? Are you really going to leave here, Cole?”
There was a long silence when all she could hear was the clock ticking, but before he could answer, there was a banging on the door, and Decker stepped through without waiting for Cole to answer.
“Yo, Cole,” he said. “Time for the dinner thing. If we’re late, Ma will skin us.” Then he spotted the two of them on the couch. “Oh. Sorry. Hey, Jess. Didn’t know you were here, too.”
“ ’Sokay.” Her voice came out all shaky.
Decker looked from one to the other of them, then at his watch. “I assume neither of you wants to be skinned alive tonight?”
“Right.” Cole jumped up, reaching down for Jess’s hand, but letting go as soon as she was standing.
He held the door as she walked through it and onto the porch, but her stomach felt suddenly nauseous as she realized he was looking everywhere but at her, doing his best to avoid looking her in the eye.
He was leaving.
Chapter 22
“And now, it gives me the greatest pleasure to introduce, for the first time, Daniel and Hayley