I’d always carried this resentment. And now it had nowhere to go, except fester inside me like an old, infected wound.
So instead of being honest, I lie. I tell her what she wants to hear. “Of course. Every day.”
Lily sighs. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you.”
My brow furrows. “You were at the funeral.”
I remember seeing her there, in her black dress. Even in black, even though we were standing across the room at my father’s funeral, I remember thinking how beautiful she looked. And then an idea had sprung … since my father was dead, I no longer had to stay away from her.
My feet had begun dragging me to her, one step across the church and then the next …
Until I saw Senator Grantham pull her into his side. He was the only person smirking at my father’s funeral mass, and the grin was directed right at me.
He knew that I knew about the deal they’d struck. And it was clear, from his expression, that he expected me to abide by the rules even after my father’s passing. It made that day even harder than it should have been.
“I know.” Lily sighs, breaking me from those thoughts. “I just mean, I wish I could have been there for you. I … these last ten years have been so hard. With no explanation, we were separated for ten years …”
She still wants me to explain why I left her in the hospital. And we’re wading into dangerous territory again. “Lily …”
“I know. I know. But come on, Bowen, I can’t just take ‘I can’t tell you that’ as an answer forever. I can’t lie here, in your bed, pretending that after a decade of heartache and pain, we’re just completely fine again. We’ve taken it slow, and now we’re in deep. At least I am. Aren’t you?”
Gently, I lay my lips on her cheek. “I took you to dinner with my mother tonight. At Carlucci’s, in front of the whole town. You know me, and I’m not a public guy. I’d say that should show you just how all in I am with you. And don’t give me this whole, ‘aren’t you?’ question. I told you, and I’ll keep telling you, I’m in love with you. As deep and as wide as the ocean, baby.”
I know I’m trying to make light of the situation, but part of me wants to delay the inevitable for a little longer. We just got on solid ground, having told each other our true feelings.
She gently nudges my shoulder with her hand. “I love you, too. But don’t make a joke out of this. I know we’re good, but I want to be exceptional. I want to have a relationship with no secrets, one where we can acknowledge our past but feel no bitterness toward it.”
Obviously, this gorgeous woman in bed next to me is right, but I just can’t tell her yet. I need a little while longer where she doesn’t look at me with betrayal and hurt in her eyes.
Because that’s how she will look at me.
“We’ve had a nice night. I know you deserve an answer, but can we just take it one hurdle at a time? We said I love you. We went out on a date, which also happened to reconnect you and my mother. Can that be enough for tonight?”
Please, God, let it be enough.
When Lily leans over to plant a kiss on my lip, then turns her light out, I know I’m off the hook for one more night.
“I love you,” she whispers into the darkness, curling her body against mine.
It takes me a full hour and a half staring off at the ceiling before my worried brain finally gives out and allows me to fall asleep.
31
Lily
Presley and I roll up our yoga mats, the sweat on mine leaving me semi-disgusted.
“We should probably put an ambulance on standby next time we decide to do hot yoga by ourselves.” She opens the front door of the studio and a cold gust of October wind flies in.
I breathe the frigidity in and chuckle. “Imagine? Us passed out on the floor because we wanted an intense workout.”
“I’ve seen crazier at a soul cycle class.” Presley laughs, handing me a cup of strawberry-infused water as she fills one for herself.
Breathing in through my nose, I try to calm my racing heart down after the yoga boot camp my friend just put me through. She’s testing out classes to add to