sort through.
Even with all of that sitting on my shoulders, my needy dick still stiffens as she trails her fingers over my stomach.
“Hey, none of that.” I squirm when she hits a ticklish spot.
“I forgot how ticklish you are.” She proves this point by moving her devilish fingers up to my armpits.
The sensation is annoying, and to stop her, I flip over onto her and pin her arms. The minute her playful expression beams up at me, our situation slaps me right back down to earth.
The accident. Her father. The secret I’m keeping. The fact that I love her but can’t act on it.
I roll off of Lily and right out of bed, picking up my boxers as I head for the bathroom. I don’t bother to shut the door, and as I take a piss, shout out into the bedroom.
“This was fun, but I have stuff to do today. So I’ll uh, see you around.”
It’s cold and callous, and it feels like a rusty blade thrusts through my heart as I say it. But I have to get her out of here. I’ve already compromised myself too much, and if I go back to that bed, there is a chance I’ll never leave.
I walk back out, averting my eyes from the bed where Lily still sits. Rifling through my drawers, I pick out a T-shirt and pair of shorts.
“Don’t do this.” Her voice sounds so small.
I slam a drawer shut. “No, don’t you do this. It’s not a big thing.”
“It’s the biggest thing. This is monumental, so stop acting like I’m some chick you brought home to fuck and throw out.”
The curse word coming off her lips twists my gut. Indeed, what just happened is huge. Of course, she’s not just some chick.
“I don’t know why you still blame yourself for that night,” she whispers.
Anger, hot and shameful, rages through my veins. And I snap. “You were in a coma for almost a month, Lily! I almost killed you. How the hell do you think I’m not going to blame myself for that?”
I turn, throwing my arms up and screaming at her.
Tears streak her bronzed cheekbones. “You weren’t drinking, Bowen. You had a seatbelt on … it was my own decision to take mine off. We were stupid, we were kids. The road was slick, and the deer jumped out in front of us. That isn’t your fault, it never has been. I’ll never forgive myself for how reckless I was. But I can’t forgive myself even more if you think that you caused that accident. Because it’s just not true.”
So I guess we’re going there.
“You can’t know that.”
“All I know is, I woke up from a coma having lost so much, in such pain with weeks of therapy ahead of me, and the person I loved the most wouldn’t even speak to me. You didn’t even come to see me in the hospital.” The sob she chokes out is the worst sound I’ve ever heard.
It shatters my already dead heart, but her last sentence puts flint in my eyes. “I came to visit you every single day. I left my hospital bed, unplugged myself from the machines when they told me not to, limped across the halls to get to you. I held your hand as much as they would possibly let me. I prayed to God that you would wake up, and we both know I am not religious. Lily, I was there every day. Until—”
My voice cuts off, maybe out of the need to preserve what little I have left. I was dangerously close to revealing the truth, something she can never find out.
“Until what?” Lily looks at me, those deep blue eyes pleading.
I stay silent, and she gets so fed up she actually gets up, walks over, and pushes me in the chest. “Until what, Bowen? Why won’t you ever just really talk to me?”
But, I can’t. If she knew what … what our fathers had done … I could never ruin her world that way. It was better to cut both of our hearts out than put her through that.
So I don’t answer.
My feet prepare to move, to pick up her clothes and toss them on the bed, to shrug into my own shirt.
In the harsh light of day, my mistake doesn’t look like love. It looks like damnation.
“No.” Her voice is sharp.
I turn to see this beautiful creature, naked and standing in the middle of my room, the morning light falling across her