take two steps back.
His father opens the cage and pushes the door wide.
The hawk jumps down to the edge of it, peering up at Colin with golden eyes.
It’s probably the most beautiful bird I’ve ever seen, let alone a hawk. Everything about it is sleek and stunning, the shimmering brown and rust feathers, the brightness of the sharp beak.
“Hello old friend,” Colin says to the hawk, his voice becoming so soft and gentle, loaded with emotion. “I’m finally here for you. This is your big day.”
I exchange a look with Padraig, what’s going on?
Colin reaches out and pets the top of the bird’s head, stroking between the eyes and down on to its neck. The bird seems to relax a little.
“I’m going to miss ye, old pal, but I know that ye deserve to be free with the rest of yer days, that’s all we can ever want for ourselves.” He takes in a shaking breath. “You see my son here, he has his woman to take care of and his career and he’s got his whole future ahead of him. Plus an owl, ye know? And I know Agnes won’t have much time either with ye. So, I think it’s time for you to go live your life as free as ye can. Do it for me. Soar high into that sky and soon I’ll be doing the same.”
I can barely see through the tears that are streaming down my face.
Colin steps back and then with a feat of strength, throws his arm out, gesturing to the woods.
The hawk cries out and then leaps from the cage, taking flight with pumps of its long, majestic wings.
It flies high above the field, then higher above the trees, and then finally until it’s out of sight. All you can hear is its cry, fading as it goes.
“Dad,” Padraig says, running his finger under his eyes. “I didn’t think you’d let him go.”
His dad shrugs. “I had to. That bird was special. He only wanted to be with me. Would only really eat if I fed it. And he hadn’t been fed in a while. He’s hungry. He’s not coming back here. But he’s free now, ye see. He’s free now.” He closes his eyes and then starts to sway on his feet. “I think I should go lie down now.”
Padraig quickly takes his arm and I take the other, putting it over my shoulder, feeling how light and frail he is. We take him back to the cottage and get him in his bed and he’s fast asleep within seconds.
Once we’re outside of the cottage, I throw myself into Padraig’s arm, spilling a few tears. To witness Colin already saying his goodbyes is too much for me. And from the way that Padraig holds me, I know it’s too much for him too.
“We’re running out of time,” he whispers as he holds me. “What I wouldn’t give for time to slow. Not even to run backward. That’s asking too much. Just to slow the fuck down.”
He pulls back and stares deeply at me. There’s a feverish intensity in his eyes that I can’t quite read, too many powerful emotions mixing through him at once.
“Time will go too fast for me,” he says. “For me like this. How much longer do I have just like this, just being able to hold ye?”
It’s not just his father right now. Time is moving his disease forward too.
“What happens when I can’t hold ye?”
“Padraig,” I say softly. “You know you can’t think like that. None of us have a certain amount of time allotted to us and for all of us it goes too fast. You just have to live each moment that you can and just love as much as you can.”
“That’s not enough,” he says. “It will never be enough, not with you.”
I wish that wasn’t true.
I can’t sleep.
Every time I close my eyes I see hawks and owls flying over moonlit forests. I feel the emptiness of the branches, the hardness of the frost. I feel so utterly alone and so scared and everywhere I look, I can’t find Padraig.
I hate to think what my dreams might be like.
I roll over and look at my phone. As usual I have some texts from Brielle and Angie because they always forget about the time difference. Angie wants to know how it’s going, Brielle wants to know when I’m coming home because she has another friend that wants to take over her couch.
I text