both received pleasure, then how is it any different than when we play a hand of whist together or laugh over some joke or take a ride around your estate?”
She folded her arms. “It is very different and you of all people should know it.”
“Me of all people,” he asked, and now he didn’t have to fake confusion.
“You have had so many lovers,” she huffed.
He stared at her for a moment and had to fight the urge to laugh in her face. There was certainly no way to explain to her that his mad game of taking women to his bed had always been a way to forget the one woman he couldn’t have. Or to explain that it had been years…years…since he played that game. Since Andrew died and his main concern had become Emily. Always Emily. Forever Emily. Whatever front he put on to the world, to his friends, never extended beyond bluster anymore.
“I thought you said rakes had advantages,” he said. “Isn’t that why you invited so many of us to your matchmaking party?”
She sighed but didn’t rise to his bait. Instead, she moved forward and surprised him by taking his gloved hands in her own. She stared up into his face and he felt like she could see down to the very soul of him.
“You are my best friend,” she whispered. “I may have other friends or Andrew’s family, but when it comes to what is really important, you are all I have. So no matter how much I enjoyed what we did, I fear that if it ruins things between us, it will have too high a price for pleasure.”
He set his jaw. How much he wanted to confess his love to her right here and now in the freezing cold when she was still muddy and flustered and perfect in every way he could imagine. Only her resistance wouldn’t allow it. He knew what would happen then. She would panic, not ready for what he wanted, what he offered.
But if he eased her into it…if he took the passion she seemed ready to accept if only she could give herself permission…well, that was one way to get closer to her heart. A way to make her think about a future that could mean everything.
He lifted his hand away from hers and traced the fullness of her bottom lip with his thumb. She shivered at the action.
“Don’t you know you’re all I have, too?” he asked. “That I would never risk our friendship just for pleasure? I think we can have both.”
“Said just like a man,” she said, and she smiled up at him.
He returned the expression. “When I touch you, I see you react, Emily. I’m not a fool. Do you deny it?”
She shook her head after a long hesitation.
“Then why reject it?” he asked. “Why keep yourself from pleasure if we can promise not to let it spoil what we already have?”
She worried her lip gently and how he longed to lean down and nip it. He somehow maintained control and waited for her response.
“Are you talking about an affair?” she asked slowly. “Something limited?”
He frowned. Even if this was the door into her heart, the way he might find what he truly desired, her resistance still stung. Understanding it and reveling in it were two distinct things.
“If you’d like,” he croaked. “We could say it only lasts during the party. And then see if we wanted it to be longer when we return to London.”
Having that boundary seemed to bleed the tension away from her entire being. “I suppose that is an intelligent way to do things, if we were to consider it,” she said slowly. “But I’d want a few…rules.”
“Rules,” he repeated, and had to laugh. “Of course you do. What are they, then?”
“My private parlor is a fine place for us to meet, but not in the master bedroom,” she said.
“I would not wish to bed you there, either. I would point out though, that the chamber you have provided for me has a very nice bed, versus wedging ourselves onto your settee, if you would prefer.”
“Oh, yes,” she said with a blush. “That does make sense. Your chamber then.”
“What else?”
“You cannot…distract me…when we’re not in the chamber. We’re only friends when we’re in my public halls, around other people. There are enough rumors about us circulating, I would not want to create more with some unintended touch or look.”
He nodded, but it was difficult. After all, he had built