full time.” In my heart, I knew this was better for him. Even though I worked a lot, I would give him a better life, a more colorful childhood. I actually enjoyed spending time with him, doing things with him. I could help him with his homework, his science projects, anything he needed. “I’ll always be here. Cleo too. And we also have Patricia. Grandma and Uncle Tucker are just down the road.”
“I know,” he said. “We can go to the cabin all the time, go the planetarium, go to the beach house…”
He seemed to be taking this really well. “Derek.”
He kept eating.
“Derek, look at me.”
He dropped his fork and raised his chin.
“Your mother may be moving, but she still loves you. You know that, right?” It didn’t matter if it was true or not. Valerie had shown her true colors. But it was better for Derek to believe she did.
“Yeah,” he answered.
“And you know you always have me and Cleo.”
He nodded. “When you left, I knew you still loved me.”
It wasn’t the same, but he didn’t understand that.
“But this is what I wanted,” Derek said. “Mom makes you sad. She makes me sad too.”
I was angry with Valerie for leaving, but maybe I shouldn’t be. Maybe I should be thanking her for stepping aside. “Yeah?”
He nodded. “But when I’m with you guys…I feel happy. Even when you say I can’t have pizza or we can’t go to the ice cream parlor, I’m happy.”
I released the painful breath I’d been holding.
He shrugged. “Mom and I don’t really do anything together. She tells me to stay in my room and do my homework, and she watches TV or does these weird things on a pink mat.” He grabbed his fork again. “I want to stay with you, Dad. You’re way better than Mom.”
Normally, I would tell him not to say anything like that, but I couldn’t find the energy. Maybe Tucker was right. Maybe Cleo was right. Derek didn’t need both of us to be happy. Maybe this was for the best. Without Valerie’s bad energy and her selfishness, we could have a quiet life, a drama-free life. And Cleo could give him everything he couldn’t get from me, a woman’s touch. “I’m really happy you’re going to be here with us, Derek.” My hand moved to his shoulder, my fingers giving him a gentle squeeze. “You’re the most important thing in the world to me.” My hand went to the back of his head, cupping his small neck.
“I know, Dad.”
“I love you…so much.” I leaned over the table and pressed a kiss to his forehead, feeling my eyes water. He was the only person in the world who could make me weak like this, make me express emotion through tears. I loved Cleo with all my heart, but it still didn’t compare to what I felt for him. He was the reason I was human, the reason I had a heart, the reason I was capable of love at all. If I’d never had him, I probably wouldn’t ever have been able to feel anything for Cleo.
Derek watched me. “I know you do, Dad.”
I tucked Derek into bed and sat at the edge, my hand resting on his heart, feeling it beat gently.
Derek looked up at me, wearing his space pajamas, so small and innocent.
I would get to do this for as long as he would allow me. He would change, turn into a teenager, and we would probably butt heads. Then he would turn into an adult, be anxious for independence, and run out the door to college.
But at least I got to experience that.
Why wouldn’t Valerie want to?
I’d have to talk to him about sex, make sure he knew how to be gentle, understood consent, to always wear a condom. There would probably be times when he would hate me for whatever reason, and I would have to deal with it.
Raising him was still a privilege.
I was grateful I got to have it.
With Valerie’s absence, it would just be us, but I knew I could be what he needed. I could love him enough to make up for his mother’s indifference. I could be a mother and a father. I could fill the void his mother’s absence might cause. I was up for the challenge.
“Why are you sad?” he whispered.
My eyes shifted to his, impressed he could read people’s moods so well. I was getting better at it, but I was still pretty terrible. “I’m not. I’m just…really