wanted to say to Leo. None of my words would ever change anything—Kairo was right about that much.
I paced a little, the loose gravel of the unofficial parking lot crunching under my feet. Leo just watched me, waiting. I didn’t know if he was being polite or simply bored. I probably looked like a caged animal.
I made myself stop and focus on him. I had him here with me now—I might never get this opportunity to speak to him like this again. I didn’t want to waste it.
“I just wanted to be able tell you that there were things happening seven years ago that you probably don’t understand, that I had reasons for being the way I was.” I stopped. I hadn’t intended to sound so weak or like I was trying to excuse away my behavior. I opened my mouth to clarify what I meant, but Leo held up his hand.
“Years of therapy have taught me that everyone has reasons for their behavior. So I get that. And I hate that you obviously experienced something so awful that it turned you into…” He floundered for a moment. “A guy whose only solution was to be hateful and a horrible bully, but there’s no place for excuses now.” He smiled regretfully and a little sympathetically, like he felt sorry for me. “There really aren’t any reasons good enough for why one person would treat another like garbage…not like you did, anyway. Not when I’d done nothing—” He stopped abruptly and seemed to gather himself. He took a step back, moving away from me, putting more distance between us, and my chest ached as he did.
It was like losing him all over again.
“You know—” His tone hardened, and his eyes shone a colder shade of blue. “I don’t even know why you’re all about trying to make amends now. Is it because you’ve decided that I look better these days, that maybe I’m more attractive—desirable even—and I’m finally worthy of you?” He took another step away. “Is it because you’re finally not embarrassed by me anymore, Shayne?”
Pain radiated from him at those last words, and I shook my head, desperate to reassure him. “No. No, that’s crap. It’s all wrong,” I said. “It isn’t like that at all. I’m not trying to make excuses. I can’t excuse what I did. I know I can’t.”
Leo tightened his mouth into a straight line, and his jaw was tense as he looked at me. He didn’t say anything, though, so I kept talking simply to fill the silence.
“I’m not that kid I used to be. Please believe me. The way you look now has absolutely nothing to do with me wanting to make amends and fix what I broke seven years go.”
Leo scoffed, the sound harsh and bitter. “You’re a little too late for that.”
I blew out all of my frustration in a sigh. I was exhausted and I didn’t know what to do.
Leo watched me, the weight of judgment heavy in his eyes. It hurt not to be good enough for him anymore. The one guy who had always had my back, and I ruined it all. “What do you want me to say?”
The corners of his lips twitched down, and he shook his head like he was done caring.
“I’m sorry, all right?” Suddenly, I was yelling. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say.” I didn’t know how else to make it better. I quieted down, pleading now. “Please. I just want to be able to fix my mistakes, and I know you probably want to make this hard for me like I made it hard for you, but please, please just listen.” The last word caught in my throat, but I swallowed the sob that bubbled up. Shit, I was tired. I swiped at my eyes as my vision blurred with tears I didn’t want to shed.
Leo’s expression remained cold, and he barked out a humorless laugh. “Do you really want to know what was hard, Shayne?”
I couldn’t say anything. I was locked in his gaze and I couldn’t escape.
“Hard was convincing myself that dying wasn’t the better option than facing the shitstorm you unleashed in my life with those pictures and lies.” He jabbed his finger toward me before stepping forward until he was right in my face and I could feel the heat radiating from his body. “I starved myself for weeks until my parents were ready to have me taken to