Caldwell, you know? The other students would have been more surprised if I was straight. The thing was…I was gay and fat.” At the last word, I closed the fridge firmly and picked up a cloth before wiping down my kitchen counters.
Shayne had said he wanted us to be a secret because no one would understand him being gay, but a big part of it had probably been to do with my size.
“Anyone who sees only body shape is very shallow,” Kairo murmured.
I made a noncommittal noise. My family had been feeding me platitudes like that for years, and while I understood they came from the kindest of hearts, it didn’t help to ease the hurt those shallow people managed to inflict. Besides, it sounded a little empty when every person telling me the same thing looked like they’d stepped into life straight from a magazine cover.
I blew out another sigh. “Look, it’s like this. Shayne was a big part of why I transferred schools. While we were together, he was just getting into photography, and I allowed him to take some pictures of us together and of me.”
Kairo made a noise like he was about to speak but I jumped back in.
“Nothing that would get us arrested, or anything. Nothing dirty, I mean. Just my top off.” I shrugged even though Kairo couldn’t see me. “Like by the pool or on the beach. That’s all.” Just in my bedroom instead.
I’d been so adamant he wouldn’t want pictures of me with all my blubber on show but then I’d believed the love in his eyes and I’d relented. I’d wanted to share myself with him, been proud that he loved me.
But I should have known.
“And when Shayne thought people were finding out about us, he broke things off with me and told me he’d used me to experiment.”
“And what else?” Kairo’s tone sounded tense, like he knew I hadn’t told him everything and that the biggest secret was still to come.
“And to throw everyone off the scent, he released the pictures of me, and told everyone I’d come onto him and begged him to love me, even going so far as to pose like that for him to convince him. He said I was desperate and he’d never loved me. Everyone laughed at me, at my body, my blubber… At the idea I could even get within a five-mile radius of Shayne Abbott, let alone into his pants.”
Kairo sucked in a breath, and I pushed down my sudden swell of nausea at too much remembering.
“I asked him to stop at the time, but he told me I mustn’t forget my manners. Even please stop wasn’t enough though.”
Kairo made a noise like a growl.
“The bullying was bad enough before that, then after…” I tried again. “After…” I had to stop. I couldn’t express anything about after. All the names they called me, the sharp spikes of dread and fear and powerlessness… I shook my head and picked up a different thread of thought. “I loved Shayne completely,” I said, part of me still lost in my worst memories. “And he broke my heart. How can I ever trust anyone—any man—ever again?” I shook my head again. Some of the memories were blurred now, but the feelings were still there, ready for me to call on.
“Shit,” Kairo ground out, and I gripped my phone harder—it was the only thing holding me steady. “Why didn’t you tell any of us? We would have lined up for a chance to kick that guy’s ass the way he deserved.”
I almost laughed. Since before I could remember, an insult aimed at one Caldwell was truly an insult aimed at all Caldwells, and we prepared for battle very well in those instances.
“You know,” I said. “I’m not sure why. There was a lot going on in my head and I just needed to contain it rather than for it to escape into the family and become this huge, big thing that everyone wanted to talk about and deal with. It hurt too much, and it belonged to just me.”
“Jesus, dude. I am so sorry.” Kairo apologized like he’d personally wronged me, and I chuckled at the unexpectedness of it.
“This is kind of what I was trying to avoid, you know? You feeling like you’d done something wrong or like you owed me something.”
“Still—” I could picture Kairo shaking his head and nibbling the end of his pen as he tried to figure out what to say next.