and harmony.
THE CAFÉ WAS crowded, no doubt a direct correlation to the inferior coffee product brewing in only one coffeemaker in our kitchen. Behind me in line, two barely pubescent engineers giggled as they stared at something on an iPhone. I glanced over their shoulders and immediately regretted my snooping.
These two guys were watching porn. One of them said to the other, “We need to adjust our bouncing to make our boobs more realistic. Like this.” He pinched the screen and widened for a better view. At least they had the courtesy to have the sound off.
Behind me, a familiar female voice called out, “While you two are diligently researching, can you improve your male jiggle physics, too?”
The one holding the phone cocked his head. “Wh-what?”
Kat appeared by my side. “I’d love to see better male pectoral movement in our games, and of course, improved dick physics.”
A snort escaped me as she explained. “We definitely need more realistic and natural movements of male body parts, too. Ignoring our male body parts and only focusing on boobs would be sexist. I can set up a meeting where we brainstorm ways we can maybe even weaponize them, like have a swinging cock of death.”
I chimed in. “Helicopter cocks could lift the player to safety.”
Kat fought a laugh. “Maybe we can make it large enough so it could be its own character or player. Co-op game play. Player two, penis.”
Still stunned into silence, the two engineers’ mouths gaped open. One of the engineers said to the other, “Are they serious?”
Kat looked at him square in the eyes. “I’m dead serious.”
The line moved up and the two engineers scurried away. And to think my mom thought my future husband could be somewhere among my work peers.
What a joke.
A wide grin spread across Kat’s face. “Oh my god, did you see their faces? I’m Kat, by the way. Your drink’s on me.” She held out her hand.
“I know who you are. I’m Melody, and I’m thrilled to finally meet you,” I said, enthusiastically pumping her hand. “Don’t worry about it, I need to buy a coffee for my officemate, too.”
While we waited for our orders, I examined her physical features and admired her go-against-the-grain beauty as she made a quick call. She had brown, short mousy hair, cut asymmetrically, and she had so many ear piercings that it made me think her lobes had more holes than skin. She was also rail thin—an aspiration of mine, but not feasible given my atypical Asian bone structure. I maintained average weight (by American women standards), but elder Korean friends and family insisted my beauty lay hidden underneath all my fat. I was comfortable keeping my beauty nestled and protected.
Kat put her phone in her back pocket. “Everyone here actually thinks they’re doing women a favor by making games with sexified female heroines. Like Ian’s Kaizen Five. Such a noble act of feminism, don’t you think?”
I laughed as my order appeared on the counter. “I just thought of a funny idea for a shooter game that women like us would love.” I took a sip of my coffee before continuing. “As you know, there’s a huuuuuge growing female gamer population continuing for the next decade.” I gave a sweeping gesture with my right hand, pointing upward. “Now picture a satirical game targeting the growing female demographic: a group of male strippers find themselves in the apocalypse, facing every world-ending nemesis you can think of: zombies, vampires, aliens, and evil robots. The ultimate apocalypse. These stripper dudes basically run around topless with giant guns, both the arm-flexing kind and the weapon kind, fighting and shooting up and stabbing all kinds of shit to survive. Women warriors would exist, too, but they’re not ‘damsels in distress’ types. They save those strippers’ asses time and time again. This game has dollar signs written all over it! Sexiness sells, right?”
A smile spread across Kat’s face. “And what if you get accused of sexism the other way around, where you are dehumanizing and debasing the male body by having the guys be, you know, strippers?”
What a good question. But I had a rebuttal. “I have a scientific reason why these guys need to be topless.”
Kat raised her eyebrows. “Go on.”
“The virus that causes the zombification of the world also alters human DNA, and the virus needs to find hosts who have a vitamin D deficiency. And the main source of vitamin D is the sun. So the more surface area exposed to sunlight