push at me or ask stupid questions.
All I could do was focus on my body.
Take breaths through any discomfort I felt.
My mind turned into a sloppy pit of mush. Tragic thoughts attacked me.
I’m going to lose the baby.
Of course I am.
I’m supposed to.
Tyler and Olivia are getting married. They already have a family.
I don’t even have a place to live!
Why would I get a baby?
I don’t deserve…
Silas squeezed my hand. “I love you, Mila. You’re stronger than you know. Everything is going to be okay. I promise you, darling, everything is going to be okay.”
It was like he could read my mind.
He released his hold on my hand and grabbed his phone again.
“Who are you calling now?” I asked.
“Your brother.”
“What?”
“Mila, I may not have been around for years, but I’ve been around long enough to know how your family works. Whether it’s good news or bad news, the Justa family never faces shit in life alone. I’ll call Tyler and he’ll call everyone else.”
I shut my eyes and nodded.
I started to cry.
Silas was so perfect.
Things were just beginning to feel perfect.
And now I was ruining it all again.
At the hospital, we were rushed right into a triage room.
I got into a hospital bed and Silas was at my side.
Dr. Frederick came in and shooed the two nurses away and went to work.
She moved fast with a concerned look on her face.
I stared at her, feeling desperate.
As though she could somehow stop whatever was happening.
Finally, Dr. Frederick paused.
She touched my shoulder.
“Deep breaths, Mila,” she whispered. “We’re going to figure out what’s going on. First things first, we have to check on the baby. Okay?”
I nodded. “Okay.”
“Just keep breathing. We want the least amount of stress as possible.”
“Easier said than done,” Silas said in a mean voice.
“I know that,” Dr. Frederick said.
I focused on a spot on the floor and took deep breaths.
I shut my eyes.
I hoped, prayed, pleaded…
When Dr. Frederick spoke, I listened.
My body felt robotic. Just listening and moving.
My mind felt like it was somewhere else.
At some point Silas whispered that everyone was at the hospital waiting.
I felt pressured.
Like I had to perform or do something…
Dr. Frederick began to look for the baby’s heartbeat.
The room was silent.
A deafening kind of silent.
I wasn’t sure the three of us were breathing.
I took one more big breath and…
Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh…
I sighed and lowered my head.
Silas kissed the top of it.
There was a heartbeat.
That was good.
“That’s good, right?” I asked.
“Yes, it is,” Dr. Frederick said.
“I feel like there’s a but waiting,” I said.
Dr. Frederick nodded. “But… we have to figure out what’s causing you discomfort.”
I turned my head and looked at Silas.
He hurried to smile and nod at me.
Dr. Frederick began to talk again, but all I heard were the words tests and check and make sure…
I shut my eyes and just wanted to know my baby was going to be okay.
Chapter Twenty
SILAS
I held Mila’s hand with as little force as possible. I didn’t want to scare her.
My other hand was balled up so tight, it hurt.
I reminded myself to blink. I reminded myself to breathe.
I watched as the doctor stared at the ultrasound screen with intent eyes.
There was so much happening in silence, I felt myself ready to explode.
Then the doctor looked at me.
“Hey, Dad… are you okay over there?”
Dad.
Nobody had ever called me that before.
“Silas, you look like you’re ready to pass out,” Mila said.
“I’m fine, darling. I’m fine, doc. Just tell me what’s happening.”
“We’re going to check everything,” the doctor said. “Just to make sure.”
“Make sure of what?” I asked.
Easy, Silas…
“Make sure Mom and baby are all okay,” the doctor said.
“That’s not what I want to hear. I want a goddamn answer.”
“Silas, stop,” Mila said.
“The last thing we need is any added stress here,” the doctor said. “Everyone just remember to breathe. Nine out of ten times-”
“Don’t give me that,” I snapped. “I don’t want to hear some positive bullshit thing when my… my… my Mila is in pain. She doesn’t feel good! Tell us what’s going on!”
“Silas,” Mila said to me. “Look at me.”
I looked down at her.
“Please,” she whispered.
“I can’t stand around and wait, darling.”
“You have no choice. Do me a favor. Go out and talk to everyone. Give them a quick update. Okay? Just give me a minute here alone with Dr. Frederick.”
Mila was politely telling me to leave.
I glanced at the doctor.
She gave a quick nod, agreeing with Mila.
“She won’t be alone, right?” I asked.
“Not for a second,” the doctor said. “I promise, Silas.”
“I’ll be right back