deserved for hurting her, couldn’t keep the nightmares away for the one fucking night I forgot to take a pill.
“Reaper wants you executed.” Jandro said, ignoring my outburst.
“Good. I’m ready any time.”
“Yeah?”
“Yes.” I pulled my face away from the bars, nothing but a throbbing sensation in my head. “Fuck, I’ll do it myself so Reaper doesn’t have to.”
“So that’s how it’s gonna be, huh?” His voice betrayed some emotion for the first time since walking in. “You just gonna give up? Not make a case for yourself?”
“What case is there to make?” I cried. “She’s his wife. Your wife! You all trusted me with her and I…” I couldn’t bring myself to say or even imagine what I’d done to her.
“Did you take your meds?”
“No,” I shook my head. “I forgot. I’m so fucking stupid. She’d be fine if I had just remembered to take a fucking pill.”
Jandro let out an exhausted sigh, rubbing both hands down his face. “I don’t know if it’ll make a difference, but Reaper should know that.”
“It doesn’t make a difference to me,” I said. “I don’t deserve to walk out of here alive.”
“Man, pissed as I am, fucking terrified as I was,” Jandro spread his hands “you’ve whaled on me a number of times before Mari put you on those pills. And with me, it wasn’t a big thing. I know you in your right mind wouldn’t attack me for no reason.” He paused, taking a long look at me. “And I know the real you wouldn’t hurt Mari like that.”
“But I did,” I protested. “At least you could defend yourself against me. She’s so…fuck, a fucking neck brace, Jandro!”
“I know. This whole situation is fucked.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “But she is stronger than she looks. She’ll be okay.”
“Good, I hope so. But she shouldn’t be forced to see me every day.”
“Yeah, we’ll have to do something about that.” He leaned his head back against the bars. “And hear what she has to say when she wakes up.”
“She can’t…” I pressed my throat against a bar, wishing it was a sharp blade so it could decapitate me. “You can’t let her have any sympathy toward me.”
“Shadow—”
“I mean it, Jandro. If she doesn’t want me executed, you can’t take that into account.”
“Don’t you think her opinion is what counts most in this situation?”
“It does, but…” My head throbbed, but still with no pain. “I’m afraid she’ll want to help me, not punish me. I don’t deserve her help.” I don’t deserve a single ounce of her kindness.
“Maybe it doesn’t have to be either or.” Jandro’s boot scuffled against the wall. “We can figure out a punishment that’s also a form of rehabilitation.”
“Ugh.” I hated every minute of this, internally raging at my body for still being alive and drawing air. I needed to just stop existing so Mari could move on and live without fear. “Where’s your gun? I just need to be fucking gone already.”
“I purposely came unarmed because I know how much of a sneaky fucker you are.” Jandro opened the sides of his cut to show me that his holsters were empty. “And there’s one thing you’re forgetting, my man.”
“What?”
He paused to rub his jaw, seemingly struggling to get the words out. “If you do die, how’s that gonna affect her?”
I unwrapped my hands from the bars to shrug. “She’ll be relieved. She’ll never have to see me and be afraid for her life again.”
“Nah.” My once-friend shook his head. “She would never celebrate your death. And for the record, neither would I.”
“You and her,” I scoffed. “Both of you. Too fucking good to me, and the ones I treated the worst.”
“It’s not that simple, man,” he sighed. “Everyone fucks up. You know that.”
“Right.” I turned away, heading for the small cot now that I knew he wouldn’t help end my life. “And her biggest fuck-up was me.”
Twenty-Seven
REAPER
I sat on the edge of my bed, turning my knife over in my hands. He hated blades. It would be especially cruel to kill him with one.
Did I want him to suffer? That was the question that kept turning over in my mind as I looked at my guns, knives, brass knuckles, and various other weapons spread out on the bed.
A quick death by a gunshot seemed almost too merciful after what he did to Mari. Some part of me felt gleeful at the expression he’d wear if I took my time cutting him up—to embroil him in the same