and she felt herself shriveling up. Felt herself shrinking. “I know,” she said. “What kind of person does that? What kind of person is jealous of a dead woman? It isn’t fair.”
“It isn’t fair, but it’s how you feel.”
She wanted to curl up into a ball and cry. She wanted to shrink up small and be like the little girl she hadn’t been allowed to be. She wanted to howl and pound her fists against the floor. She was already broken by the submission. Already broken by what she was. She wanted to make it bigger, brighter, bolder.
She wanted him to understand. Just how messed up she was. Just how messed up this was.
“I’ve always come second. And I chose to. I let myself. But I felt like I had to. I felt like if I didn’t, none of you would love me. I felt like...” A tear fell down her cheek. “I felt like if I didn’t, Mom wouldn’t love me.”
“What?”
“I don’t like to talk about it. I don’t like to think about it. We all lost her. We all lost her and Dad. And I think they were good parents. I do. But the other girls... The other girls were work, and Mom needed help. And if I didn’t help her she would get mad at me. Then I... I wanted to be cared for the way that she cared for them. But as soon as I was the oldest, as soon as I wasn’t the baby anymore, I just had responsibilities. And I didn’t get to be cared for. Rose was so much work. Pansy too. And I was good. But there’s no reward for that, Ryder. There is no reward at all, except that nobody notices you. Except your sister thinks you should be with a boring man in khakis, and your mom doesn’t have time to bake with you and everybody depends on you because they know they can, but you can never fall apart. You can never freak out. And then everyone moves on without you. When they can’t use you anymore. When there’s no point to you. And I’m just... I’m starting from second place with him, and I hate it. I hate all of this.” She took a deep, ragged breath. “She was never happy with me when I wasn’t helping. And Rose and Pansy didn’t have to help, they just got to be. I couldn’t bear living a whole life with him trying to work my way up to that first, best love that he had, not when I already know I can’t measure up.”
Ryder looked at her like he didn’t know what to say. And why would he? Everything that she just said was so vile and poisonous she could barely stand to listen to it, much less have the sentiment live inside of her.
“Iris,” he said, his voice rough. “I had no idea you felt that way.”
“Because I didn’t tell anyone. Because I don’t know how to talk about it. Because I don’t want to say anything about... About Mom. Because I don’t want to admit that I’m angry with her. I’m angry with her for dying before we could work that out. Before we could get to where maybe we’d have a better relationship. When the girls had grown up and she didn’t feel quite so stressed. I... I wish that we would’ve had time, and we didn’t. And now I’ll just never know.”
“I’m not an expert. And I’m not going to claim to be. But I think you might be mad at the wrong dead woman.”
“What?”
“Griffin’s wife. I think she’s the wrong dead woman to have bad feelings about. I think it’s easier, maybe, to feel bad about her. Because you didn’t love her.”
“No, I know that I’m angry at Mom...”
“You’re putting it on him, though. You know it’s not fair, but you’re trying to split that pain up anyway. Did you ever think that second love isn’t second best? Because when you’ve been hurt, when you’ve been really hurt, loving isn’t the easy way out. Believe me. Sammy and I had to go through this. She’d been hurt so badly by her parents that choosing to be with me was hard. It was more than hard. And making the choice was brave. Really and truly brave. And as far as he goes... I can’t imagine the pain he’s been through. He told me his story, and I... It kills me. As a husband, as a father,