it was final and terrible, like you had lost in such a deep and momentous way. But she did.
Ever since he’d gone it was like she’d been watching their breakup on an endless loop in her mind.
And when it wasn’t that, it was her relationship with her mother. Uninterrupted and raw. And she was angry. Really, really angry.
She’d been a kid, and she’d needed her mom to let her know she loved her unconditionally.
And she was also sure her mom hadn’t realized how Iris felt.
She was angry that time hadn’t been sufficient for them. That they’d never been able to sort it out. That it...simply was.
She managed to get the bakery open, but she was an hour late. She kept expecting Griffin to come in like an avenging angel and hand her an eviction notice. She almost hoped that he would, because then she could see him. But he didn’t. The days bled together into a kind of gray haze, making a mockery of the sun that was outside. The sun wasn’t real. She didn’t feel it. She didn’t feel it in her bones, on her skin or in her heart. The sky looked clear, but everything in her felt foggy, so she couldn’t make it seem to matter.
She was mad at him. For not coming.
And on the fifth day, she got a letter in the mail with Griffin’s company name on the top, and a visit from her brother.
The bakery was empty, the early afternoon lull, after lunchtime and before people were done with work, leaving this couple of hours slow. She stared at the letter, not wanting to open it. And then she looked up at Ryder.
“What exactly is going on?”
“What?”
“Don’t give me that. Not while I’m looking at you. You look like a tragic panda that got punched in both eyes. You haven’t been sleeping. We haven’t heard from you. You want to tell me what’s going on with you and Griffin?”
“I don’t. I never did. That’s the thing. You inserted yourself into my life, you brought him over to the house, you did all kinds of things without asking me. I didn’t want you involved. Any more than I wanted him to be overly involved with us. I just didn’t want it. But you didn’t ask. You just stuck yourself right in the middle of it. And I resent it, Ryder. I do. I didn’t say that you could. But you did anyway. And now you’re here, demanding to know what’s going on. I don’t want to share. I never did.”
“You never do,” he pointed out.
“Pot, kettle,” she said,
“Maybe. You’ve always been a tough nut, Iris. You’ve always been self-contained. And I haven’t done the best job of communicating with you, because I’m bad at communicating. If I was better at it, I probably would have ended up with Sammy a lot sooner than I did.”
“It’s not your fault. None of this is your fault. It’s my fault. It’s...” Tears filled her eyes and she looked at the letter. “It’s my fault. But I don’t know what to do about it. I panicked. He said that he loved me.”
Ryder paused. “And that panicked you why?”
“I... I’m embarrassed.”
“Iris, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”
“Yes there is. Our mother and father died in a way that must’ve been terrifying. Really terrifying. And I’m here with my two feet planted firmly on the ground. I’m acting like love is the scariest thing that I could ever come into contact with.”
“Because love is scary. It is. Tell me what’s higher stakes than your own heart in this world? I mean sure, we can worry about our physical health. We can worry about our bodies. But when it comes to... Everything, tell me what’s more important than the people you care about, and the people who care about you? Nothing. Of course it’s scary.”
“Well, I made it worse. I made it terrible. It’s my fault and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m miserable. And I’m... I’m not brave. And I’m not good. I feel like you all think I am. Like I’m this bastion of light and hope, and I’m just not. I took care of everyone because I was afraid. I took care of everyone because I was scared that if I didn’t, I wouldn’t matter. Because I didn’t...” She closed her eyes. “I told him that I was angry that he loved his wife. That he didn’t love me first.”
Ryder looked at her, long and hard,