killing me inside. I feel like my lungs have been punctured and I’m forcing myself to breathe. I thought I had found everything I was looking for but then it flips on me and I’m at square one again.
As I hop into the car I rest my head against the steering wheel, pulling my cell out from my back pocket. There are over a dozen text messages from Natalie and all of them say either “I miss you,” or “I hope everything is alright,” or even, “I love you”.
I love her, too, but I feel hopeless. I feel so worthless. This depression has happened once before and I couldn’t fucking stand it. I don’t like the pain that’s been dragged upon me. I don’t like how it feels to be broken again.
My parents were my world but without them, it’s shattered. Without them it’s pointless. The only good thing I have left in my life is Natalie and I know she’ll make me smile again . . . at least, I hope she can.
Smiling hasn’t happened to me today. Not once. Not even towards the tourists who seemed a bit nervous around me and refused to ask me any questions. I admit I was being a total dick while escorting them around the exhibit but I just couldn’t come to grips with being happy.
****
As soon as I arrive home I see Mills laid out on the sofa with a bottle of vodka in his right hand. I lock the door behind me before going for him and taking it away. “Mills, get up and go to bed.”
He perks up slowly, his eyes still bloodshot. Snatching his bottle of vodka back, he staggers to his feet. He almost face-plants but I catch him before he can hit the floor. Chuckling, he slams the bottle of vodka down on the coffee table then stands up as straight as he can.
“Don’t be a fag,” he says, blowing his intoxicated breath into my face. “Mom isn’t here. We can drink as much as we want to now, right?”
My chest tightens from him calling me a “fag” and from him making fun of Mom’s house rules. “Alright. Time for bed.” I tuck my shoulders beneath his heavy arm and drag him towards his bedroom. I practically toss him onto his bed and he lets out another hysterical chuckle before falling onto his side and burying his face into one of his pillows.
I wait, hoping he won’t get up, but after only a minute he begins to snore. I shut his door behind me, turning for my room exhaustedly. I kick my shoes off, peel my khaki’s away, and toss my shirt into the hamper beside my closet before settling into my bed.
It ticks me off how Mills is acting like the younger brother instead of the older brother but I can’t act like I didn’t see this coming. When our father died, he broke every rule in the book. He got suspended way too many times from school for fighting kids who talked about our family and he had even smoked marijuana for a short period of time before he finally realized there was something better out there for him. He stopped completely when we’d moved to Miami and his girlfriend Lorie came into his life. When our mother found her boyfriend, Mills realized it was time for him to man up.
I still hate how she chose her worthless boyfriend over us. She should have kept her boys close to her because we would have taken better care of her than he did. He knew she was sick but he hardly did anything about it. What hurts me most is I didn’t get to hug her one last time. I thought she would come out alive and maybe I could hug her a million times. I seriously thought she was going to make it. My hopes were so high and I guess it’s why I feel so terrible. My hopes were crushed and shattered completely.
I turn on my side and stare at the white wall. Tears threaten to spill and I try to bite them back but it’s merely impossible. It’s only been a day but I miss her like hell. I miss everything about my mom and even though she did us wrong, I forgave her. She was someone to hold onto and someone who made us realize that life goes on. She was devastated when Dad died which is why I think she