Keiran’s head and shit down the poor lad’s back.
‘Jesus Christ!’ he screams in pain and revulsion, as Nolan and I remain lip-locked.
The crowd of restaurant guests now don’t know where to look. Two people engaged in a passionate kiss is quite the thing, but then, does it really compete with a cockatoo defecating all over his handlers while screeching the place down?
Probably not.
I think Nolan and I would have to strip our clothes off and get down to it right here and now to even begin to compete with the show Squawks and Keiran are putting on.
. . . great. Now I’m horny.
There’s a cockatoo systematically flaying somebody alive and spraying poo everywhere right next to me, and I’m getting turned on.
It might be best to pause this romantic interlude, until the chaos has been brought to an end.
I pull away from Nolan extremely reluctantly, and look into his eyes. ‘Well,’ I gasp, ‘I wasn’t . . . I wasn’t planning on doing that.’
‘I’m . . . glad you did.’
‘Me too.’
‘But, nice as it was . . . do you think we can pause for a while? I’m pretty sure I just felt some bird shit land on my neck.’
‘Okay!’
We break our embrace and step back, as three of Halliwell’s staff try to bring Squawks under some sort of control. They are failing miserably. He’s having none of it.
Then, an idea presents itself that should make their attempts a lot more successful.
I go over to my plate, grab the remaining tacos, and lob them into the bundle of arms, legs, feathers and beak. Squawks instantly goes for them, allowing Keiran to finally get away from his attacker.
He gives me a look of pitiful gratitude.
‘Might be a good idea to take tacos off the menu,’ I suggest in a light tone – to which he nods feverishly, his eyes wild.
‘I’ll tell the kitchen,’ he replies.
Squawks, for his part, has calmed down magnificently, and is tucking into the smashed remains of those tacos with great gusto.
Good for you, Squawks, I think to myself. You got yours.
I turn to look at Nolan, and the instant I do I feel a combination of excitement and dread. Excitement that I might be embarking on a new romantic relationship for the first time in what feels like a century, and dread when I think about the possible ramifications of that relationship on my career and reputation at work.
And then there’s the whole matter of my true attitude towards the environment . . .
Don’t worry about it. You’ll be fine. You’re good at your job, and that’s all that matters.
Thank you, shoulder angel!
Ha! You think I’m the angel?
‘I think I might need to go to the toilet and check myself over,’ I say to Nolan, tentatively sending an exploratory finger up to where Squawks ripped the hair out of my head. There’s not much blood there, but it’s probably still best I go give it a proper look.
‘Okay,’ Nolan replies, and nods. ‘I think I might have a chat with the maître d’, and get us out of here before any other birds attack us.’
‘Good idea.’ I look around at the stunned and shocked looks on the faces of the other restaurant-goers. ‘I think it might be a good idea to recommend to Mr Halliwell that he changes this whole set-up a bit. Dining with birds of paradise sounds like a great idea, but maybe dining with birds of paradise that are securely sectioned off from diners by some nice stout metal fencing might be a whole lot safer.’
A little later, after I’ve wrestled my hair back into some kind of shape and have dabbed away the blood enough to cover up the injury, Nolan and I end up in a bar close to town, where we order a couple of exciting cocktails. It’s been that kind of evening.
Even later than that, there is more kissing. This time completely free of poo.
It’s all rather marvellous.
I take my leave from Nolan eventually and reluctantly, and make my way home with my brain fizzing.
Tonight has been quite monumental. Things have irrevocably changed, and it’s hard to see any way that they can go back.
And okay, yes – I didn’t manage to talk to Nolan about Robert, or about how I’m not quite the green crusader he might think I am, but does it really matter?
After all, I am helping to spread the message of environmentalism by working at Viridian PR. I’m doing the absolute best job I possibly can.