yanked out of my head as they try to pull him off.
SQUAWK SQUAWK SQUAWK, he screeches. ‘Well, this fucking parrot does!’ is what he is no doubt saying at this juncture.
Congratulations, Ellie, you’ve managed to turn a first date into a no-holds-barred wrestling match with a fat parrot. What will you do for an encore? Challenge a moose to some boxing? Karate with a panda?
I let out a scream as Keiran yanks Squawks away as hard as he can, taking a fair clump of my hair with him.
Squawks . . . well . . . squawks triumphantly as his handler does so. He may have lost his taco to me, but he’s taken his measure of revenge by removing a chunk of my hair. It’s a trade he probably thinks is well worth it.
I bloody don’t, and my hand flies to my head as I start to feel the burning sting.
‘Owww! You mean bloody bird!’ I shout at the cockatoo, who is still throwing the hissiest of hissy fits in Keiran’s arms.
By now of course, the whole restaurant is watching what’s going on with a combination of horror and surprise. The little girl who was so happily playing with her own parrot close to our table is now staring over with a look of sheer terror on her face.
I have managed to turn her ornithophobic in mere seconds. Hell . . . I’m pretty sure I’m going to develop a severe fear of birds after this. My chances of visiting any tropical islands on holiday any time soon are down the toilet. I’ll be permanently terrified that a lorikeet is about to rip the back of my head off to get at my Mai Tai.
‘Ellie! Are you okay?’ Nolan exclaims, coming towards me with a highly concerned expression on his face.
Bless him. Look at how worried he is, would you?
Given what’s just transpired, I’m amazed he’s not howling with laughter – but then Nolan isn’t built that way, is he?
‘I . . . I think I’m alright,’ I tell him, seeing a tiny amount of blood on my hand as I take it away from my head. I give Nolan a dismayed, hurt look. ‘I just . . . I just wanted to say . . . to say to you . . . I just wanted to be honest and . . . and . . .’
Do not cry, woman. Do not cry here and now, when—
Oh, fuck it. We’ve just been assaulted by a bloody parrot. You can for a bit, but don’t indulge yourself.
Tears sprout at the corners of my eyes, and I see Nolan’s face crumple in sympathy.
He then does something that is unexpected, but ever so right in the circumstances – he wraps his arms around me in a tight hug.
Oh God.
Oh wow.
Look, I’m not going to say getting attacked by Squawks was worth it for this – I haven’t lost my mind completely – but if you are going to get mauled by a fat feathered maniac, then a hug like this is a magnificent way to make you feel like it wasn’t such a bad ordeal after all.
Nolan breaks the hug, and looks me in the eyes. ‘Are you okay?’
Kiss him.
What?
Kiss him. Right now.
In front of all these people?
Yes, in front of all of them. Kiss him.
With a parrot screaming the place down next to us?
Yes. It’ll be memorable.
My scalp is bleeding. You’re suggesting I kiss a man when I have a bleeding scalp, and hair that probably looks like I’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards?
Yes, I am. Now stop sodding about. Kiss him.
But I haven’t been honest with him yet! I haven’t told him all about Robert!
Fuck all of that. Just kiss him.
But you said I had to tell him!
That wasn’t me. Kiss him. Do it now.
I’ve never really believed in that whole metaphor about the angel and the demon sat on your shoulders before, but both of the buggers have come on this date with me tonight, haven’t they?
The question is, which one do I listen to?
. . . the wrong one, unfortunately.
I lean forward and slap my lips on to Nolan’s with a ferocity that is quite unlike me.
For a split second I think Nolan is going to pull away, but then he starts to kiss me back . . . and the world starts spinning.
It would be some kind of glorious romantic Hollywood moment, were it not for the fact that Squawks has now decided to climb on