are dark wood. The floor is cream carpet, and there’s a lattice window at the back. He’s seated at a desk facing the window. On his desk are a laptop, a notebook, expensive pens, a clipboard, and a few stacks of paper. To his left is a lazily stacked bookshelf.
I hardly ever come in here. It’s always been implied that Luke and I are not allowed.
“What do you need?” he asks.
“A word, if now’s a good time.”
“It’s not, but you’re already here. So go on.”
“Um,” I say.
This is definitely way harder than telling Luke. I can barely get myself to form a sentence.
“I’ve been meaning to tell you something for a while,” I say.
“Tell me what?”
“I, um…”
I just need to say it.
“I’ve tried my best,” I say. “I swear, I really have. But what you do … I can’t do it. I’ve never been able to. I’m not built like you and like Luke. I need to tap out.”
Dad watches me for a second.
“You want out?”
“Yeah.”
“Of what?”
“Everything,” I say. “This.” I gesture around his office. “I love you guys, but I can’t … I’ve tried so hard to make it work so you’d be happy. But, Dad, I’m miserable. I barely sleep, and most of the time I’m an anxious wreck. I keep hoping these feelings will pass, but they never do.”
He nods.
“Well?” I ask.
“You’ve totally blindsided me. I thought you were happy.”
“I’m not. And I’m really sorry.”
“How can it not be for you?” he says, the anger in his voice rising. “Our family has been in this business for generations. It’s what we do.”
“I know. But it doesn’t work for me.”
“So what?” he says. “You think you’re the first person to spit in the face of years of tradition? Get over yourself and deal with it. I only want the best for you, and you have to trust me when I say this is the best path.”
“Please, Dad—”
“And what will you do? I hope you aren’t coming to me without a plan for your future.”
“I’m not. I’d stay here until the end the year and work my ass off to get a scholarship. Then I’d move out west for college, and you’d never have to see me again, if you don’t want to.”
His brow creases. “Why west?”
“I’ve always wanted to try living there. I’ve never told you, but I have. It’s what I’ve wanted for years. I hate it here.”
He leans back in his chair and stares at me. But I see in his gaze something like a spark.
“I’ve suspected this for a while. One son takes after me. The other…”
Oh.
Mom.
He shakes his head. “Matt, I have something I need to tell you, too.”
I freeze. What’s going on?
“Your mom. Diane. You two were always incredibly close. From the time you were little, she wanted a different life for you.”
My breath goes shallow, and my eyes fill with tears.
“You remind me of her in so many ways. It’s possible I took some of my anger at losing her out on you.”
He twists the silver ring on his finger.
“But that was wrong. You take after her. She was right. She loved you so much, Matt, and so do I. I hope you know that. I want what’s best for you.”
I can’t believe it. My father has never spoken with me so openly. I feel shell-shocked.
“Dad, I don’t know what to say.”
“Son, I want you to be happy. No matter how complicated this gets, never forget that.”
I won’t.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
It’s taken me a few weeks to work everything out. My applications are submitted, and now I’m ready for this change.
There have been a lot of family meetings, none of which I attended. Being done means being done all the way. Luke has kept me posted, and the biggest news is that the meeting with the Donovans was an actual meeting. Not a massacre.
Dad is slowly coming around to the idea that bloodshed just leads to more bloodshed.
I like to think I have something to do with that.
Millers may never be friends with Donovans, but that doesn’t mean they need to be enemies.
I look around. My room is so barren now that I’ve taken down all my posters. Dad has said I can keep my room as is, in case I decide to visit, but I know Luke already has his eyes on it. I think he wants it to be a home gym.
Luke appears in my doorway. Eddie is beside him, his ears pressed down.
I think he can tell something is up, as