with.
“I get that. And I’m really sorry. I just really don’t want to be stupid. My whole family looks down on me. They think I’m stupid and weak. I really don’t want to prove them right by giving up my secrets to a Donovan.”
“Is that all I am now?”
I glance around, and see that nobody is within earshot.
We have privacy.
We can talk.
“No,” I say. “Of course not.”
“I just … I want to get to know you, you know? Like, who you really are.”
He stares at me for a second.
“Is that okay?” he asks.
“I dunno.”
“Oh.”
He won’t look me in the eyes.
“I like you, Jason. And I like this. Our friendship means so much to me. But I don’t feel comfortable talking about my family to you. It doesn’t mean I don’t care about you; I really mean that.”
“That’s the thing,” he says, leaning forward. “I think talking about our families will make this better. Seriously.”
“You can’t know that.”
“No, but I’m about as sure as it’s possible for me to be.”
I pause, watching him, keeping solid eye contact. Then I glance down. It’s just … it’s not like he’s been open at all about his family. I don’t know anything about them because of our deal. It feels unfair almost that he wants me to go first, to take all the risk. “Can you just let me think about it?”
“Yeah, definitely.”
“But would you be okay with us keeping our rule going, if I decide I want that? Like, would it be okay with you if we never talk about our families?”
“I … I don’t know. I always thought…”
“What?”
“I assumed we would talk about everything, at some point. I didn’t realize you might never want that.”
“Yeah,” I say. “Right now, I think that’s what I want. Anyway. This is a problem we can deal with later, right?”
He smiles weakly. “Yeah, sure.”
After we’ve finished eating, Jason pays the bill, then returns to the table.
“No way,” I say. “Let’s split it.”
He smirks. “It’s already done.”
I stand and throw a twenty-dollar bill at him. It flutters down to the table.
He picks it up, then steps closer, so he towers over me. I freeze, and my breath hitches. His expression is so serious, and I have no idea what he’s doing. He rolls the cash up tightly, and sticks it into my front pocket. I go totally still and chew my lip. He taps it down, until only the top part is sticking out.
“Keep it,” he says.
“You sure?”
He nods once.
I clear my throat. “Thanks.”
We go outside. It’s started sprinkling rain. I still feel shitty. And Jason seems really clammed up, too.
He and I stand in the lot, facing each other, lit by the neon, in front of our cars. We’re getting gently rained on.
“Hey,” he says. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked you. We can pretend I didn’t, if you want.”
“No, don’t be sorry. I want to know what you’re thinking. But I already know. I’m never going to want to talk to you about my family. I just don’t think it’s a good idea.”
“Oh.”
“Is that okay?”
“Yeah, sure. It’s like, whatever. Seriously, it’s fine.”
“It doesn’t sound fine. Dude, talk to me.”
“What can I say, Matt?” he says. “I just found out this guy I really like doesn’t trust me. Why do you even hang out me with me if you think I’m capable of betraying you?”
“I don’t think that.”
“You do, though. You wouldn’t keep secrets from me if you did.”
“It’s not about keeping secrets.”
He hunches his shoulders, and the fight leaves him.
“Sure it is. Just tell me: What can I do to get you to trust me? Because anything you want, I’ll do it. I know I made a mistake with the scheme, and I’m really sorry. But I promise you, I’m not trying to get your secrets anymore. I’m seriously not. All I want is to get to know you.”
“I don’t know if there’s anything you can do. Just give me time, maybe?”
He smiles. “Sure. Well, thanks for a really nice night. I always have such a good time with you.”
“No, thank you.”
He rubs my arm. “Are you sure you’re good?”
“Yeah. I’m fine. Are you good?”
“Yeah, totally. I’m going to head out, then, okay?”
“Okay.”
He hugs me, but it feels nowhere near as good as the hug at the start of the date.
Oh boy. I really messed this up.
I want to cry.
He lets me go and then climbs into his car. I do the same with mine. I watch as he drives away.
And the moment he’s gone,