went home, stared at my ceiling, slept for maybe four hours, and then binge-watched Grey’s Anatomy because there was nothing more satisfying than mentally picking out all the medical errors. The space between a night shift and a day shift always made me feel wonky, but I did my best to sleep again and managed to rack up five additional hours before my alarm went off.
It shouldn’t have mattered to me how I looked. No one in the hospital cared as long as I looked professional, and in the OR I would be gowned and masked. Nevertheless, I swiped mascara over my lids and traded out my usual lip balm for a slightly tinted one. I considered dabbing concealer over the dark circles under my eyes, but it would only be wiped off the moment I touched my face.
I headed into work with a more optimistic outlook than I’d had in recent history. I tried repeating to myself that there was a good chance nothing would change, but that hope continued to blossom and bloom in my chest like a flower destined to kill me.
Before the surgery, scheduled for two in the afternoon, I had to do everything else. Jack noticed my upbeat attitude and commented on it while we helped Jonah set bones in the ER.
“So, what’s got you so happy?” he asked.
“Oh, nothing,” I murmured, “just a good day, I guess. Got more sleep than usual.”
“Yeah, night shifts wreck me too,” Jack agreed. “Hey, I was going to ask—are you free after work?”
I froze, hands stilling and looked at my new friend. Was he asking me on a date? Because while I didn’t want to lose him, I also couldn’t handle being asked out right at that moment.
“Like...a date?” I asked cautiously.
“Hey, save the romance for your breaks,” Jonah directed. “We’re with a patient.”
He clicked his tongue in annoyance, but I knew it would roll right off of him. Nevertheless, we couldn’t speak anymore, and I was stuck there, terrified that I had just been handed another thing to worry about.
Jack went off to his syndesmosis repair, and I drank coffee by myself in the cafeteria. How the hell was I supposed to consider one more thing? I already had Adrian, my patients, my growing exhaustion, and the fact that in a little more than six months, I’d hopefully be a fully-fledged resident. And that residency would hopefully take me down the road to cardiothoracics—Adrian’s department.
I should have been excited about seeing the inside of the OR again. It was completely rare and unheard of for an intern like me to have been allowed onto Jasmine’s case. It crossed my mind briefly that maybe there was the special treatment everyone whispered about, but I put the thought to the back of my mind. I couldn’t handle any more.
Yeah, I should have been excited to see the OR again, but as I was tracking down Jack after drawing stat labs, I overheard something that I definitely shouldn’t have.
“You’ve got to be kidding me. Come on.”
“She didn’t get to observe a CABG when she was on your service, and I think it would be a good learning experience for her.”
“Jo, she’s fine. She’s a ridiculously talented young doctor, and there will be a million more for her to view. Just—I don’t know, swap her with one of yours for the day?”
“No can do, my friend,” Jonah’s voice said nonchalantly. “I need that Lehaney kid on full form—he’s bright, and I’m hoping he’ll stick with orthopedics when he needs to make his choice.”
“Wait—Lehaney? Isn’t he the one that always looks like he just woke up?”
“Yep, but he’s got a good eye for ortho, and he’s not afraid to get down and dirty with us. Besides, Christophers is in love with cardio, so why the hell do you want her off your service? You should be grooming her for a future there!”
“It’s nothing.”
It was Jonah and Adrian, and they clearly hadn’t seen me through the criss-crossed barrier between the food line and the seating area. I scanned the area quickly to confirm that Jack was nowhere in sight and left. It was only an hour before the surgery, and Adrian was trying to trade me off his service? The hopeful light in my chest dimmed, almost extinguishing completely. Whatever I had done to offend him, apparently it was serious enough to warrant him not even wanting to see me. Maybe I’d have to consider a change of specialty in the near future.
With