and I stared Ryan down. “Yes, Ryan. Tell me everything.”
Ryan flushed with embarrassment. “I took money from them,” he mumbled before he raised his eyes to meet mine. “But Katya, I swear I wasn’t selling you out, I didn’t even ask them for the money. I wasn’t going to take it, but then I thought about how you had just been handed a blank checkbook, and I felt like I deserved something too. We’ve always done everything together and shared everything we had. Then suddenly, you’re a billionaire, and I’m still scrounging for lunch money.”
“But I’m not!” I shouted at him. “Yeah, I moved into Richard’s house, but I don’t have a blank checkbook, and I’m certainly not a billionaire. Do you think I like living off of someone else’s charity? Do you think I want to give someone that power over me? I fucking hate it!”
I could tell Ryan wanted to say something, but I just kept going. I was going to say my piece. “I was devastated to lose you, and I just kept thinking about how I would be able to see you again. But you? You tell me that you need space, and you don’t want to hear from me!”
“I know,” Ryan whispered. “I’m a terrible person. I told myself that you would be better off without me, and that I needed to push you away, but deep down I was also angry at you. A part of me wanted you to hurt just as badly as I did.”
“I was already heartbroken - you didn’t need to do anything else to me,” I said in a broken voice.
“I’m sorry,” Ryan said desperately. “It didn’t take me long to realize what I’d done was wrong, but then I had already gone too far. I was too ashamed to even speak to you.”
“We’ve never kept secrets before,” I whispered.
“We have, Katya. We just don’t admit it out loud when we do. We pretend everything’s fine so that we don’t have to confront the hard truths.”
I looked helplessly at Ryan. I knew he was right, but I was clueless as to how we could fix this. “What now?” I asked.
Ryan shrugged. “You go on to live a life of luxury and become a prima ballerina, and I go on to be…an accountant? Maybe a lawyer?”
“Oh, Ryan.” I wrapped my arms around him, and he buried his face in my hair. “I hate that you feel this way, but I don’t know what to do.”
He rubbed my back. “You can’t do anything, Katya. You need to let me figure this out. I need to experience different things, and find out what I want to do with the rest of my life. Our paths are going in different directions right now.”
I squeezed him tighter. “I don’t want them to, but I know you’re right.”
We held each other for another moment before I became self-conscious about how Maverik and Kingston had just witnessed my emotional breakdown. I reluctantly pulled away from Ryan and wiped my eyes.
Ryan turned to leave, but he hesitated at the door. “For what it’s worth – I still love you.”
“I love you too,” I whispered back to him. “That’s why this hurts so much.”
Ryan nodded at me, his eyes sad. Then, just like that, he was gone.
Chapter 32
Katya
Ryan left, and I felt myself breaking apart again. This time, I was all too aware that I wasn’t alone. I mumbled something in Kingston’s direction, then fled back to my room. The door slammed behind me, and I threw myself on the bed.
Sobs wracked my body, and I buried my face in a fluffy pillow. After my babushka died, I felt abandoned and alone, but I had Ryan to help me through it. Now, I had absolutely no one. I was truly alone.
I also had nowhere to go. Even if I managed to get away from Nina, I didn’t have a home or family waiting for me. I was cast adrift in a vast ocean, with no land in sight and no hope for help. Yet, sharks were swimming all around me, intent on getting a taste of my flesh.
I cried until I had no tears left, then I rolled over to stare up at the ceiling. Without Babulya, without Ryan, who was I? What really mattered?
I wiped my face and sniffled again. What would my babushka say right now?
I smiled when I could practically hear her voice in my head.
You don’t need anyone but yourself. You make your future.