Before the accident, he told me about a girl that he’d been in a serious relationship with. He said that he thought he wanted to be with her forever and he’d planned on proposing to her after they were done with college. A year into their relationship—and outside of high school—they started to become two different people. They no longer wanted the same things. Eventually, they broke it off. My Dad thought about that girl for a couple of years after they split and he decided that maybe time was all they’d needed. He found her again but found out she was married and had a kid. Not long after that, he met my Mom.”
“He made me promise that if I ever got in a serious relationship with a girl, I’d take a step back to see if I was still the same person without her as I was with her; that she was the one that I truly wanted. He didn’t want me to rush into something and not experience life, and he said I shouldn’t allow the girl I was with to not know life outside of high school and outside of me. I think he knew that when I fell in love with a girl, that it would be ‘it’ for me. I’d love her my whole life. He said I took after my mother like that.” He was smiling a sad smile, remembering his parents. He looked up and met my eyes, “So you see I heard what you said to Harper. I heard and I knew I needed to let you go live your life. I know you were ‘it’ for me—just like my Dad had predicted—but I needed to make sure I was ‘it’ for you too. I didn’t mean to hurt you the way that I did Em. I can’t apologize enough for how I left you that night. But I am sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”
I was dumbfounded. His reason wasn’t at all what I’d expected. I thought he left because we were done with high school, because he wanted to move on to bigger and better things. I had no idea that it was because of a conversation he’d had with his Dad.
“Say something Em, please.”
“I’m not really sure what to say. I wish I would have known about that conversation with your Dad, Finn. I would have done everything to prove to you that you were what I wanted.” A traitorous tear rolled down my cheek and I quickly wiped it away. “I just… I don’t know Finn.” I sighed heavily. I had so many questions, but none that I could ask right now.
“I blame myself you know.”
“Blame yourself for what?” Not sure what he was meaning.
He nodded towards my stomach. I looked down and then back up. “This?” I said pointing to my stomach. “You blame yourself for this?”
“Yes.”
“Why? You didn’t do this. Just because you left, doesn’t
mean this is your fault. You did what you felt you had to do.”
“Don’t make me out to be a martyr Emilyn. I’ve regretted what I did for long enough. If I’d known then what I know now, I wouldn’t have made the same mistake.”
I gave him a sympathetic smile, “None of us would Finn. That’s how we learn.”
“No, you don’t get it. I mean I wouldn’t have taken my Dad’s advice. He may have meant well—sharing his experience with me—but that was his life. It’s what happened to him. I had my own life to live, and our relationship was totally different than what he’d had. If I’d have just done what I wanted—what I knew in my heart was right—I know we would still be together.” He reached up and wiped my tears with his thumb.
“You can’t blame yourself for listening to your Dad. Anybody would have done it, especially after the accident. I believe in fate Finn… what happened was supposed to happen. What’s going on with me right now may not be ideal, but I have to believe that this is where I’m meant to be. Please don’t blame yourself, okay?” This was almost more than I could bear. My heart was breaking from all of the honesty. Part of me was relieved to finally know, but another part was astounded that he felt responsible for my lot in life. Nobody knew I was going to end up divorced and pregnant. It wasn’t ideal but I had accepted it.
“Not so sure about that, but for your sake I’ll