beat.
“I wish I knew, man. I really wish I knew. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I didn’t think it would matter, and by the time I realized it did, it was too late. I already hadn’t told her, and then I was afraid that if I did, she’d get pissed off and leave me.”
“You’ve told her?”
“Yep.” I opened my eyes again and kept heading back to my place. “She got pissed off, but she didn’t leave me. She didn’t fire me either. Things were awkward. Then they were better. Then she started becoming distant again.”
“It’s been a tough couple of years for her.” His tone was much gentler now. “The diagnosis pulled the rug right out from underneath us all, but obviously, it hit her the hardest. It’s taken her a long time to trust her legs enough to get back up.”
“I figured it was that.” My teeth sank into the inside of my cheek. “Then last night, just after she told me she was scared it would happen again, it did.”
“She threaten to pull the plug on her performance?” he asked, worry thickening his voice.
I nodded. “She asked me to call Jules to tell him. I called him, but only to tell him what’d happened. He was on his way to the hospital before we even got off the phone.”
“You picking me up from the airport?” he asked again.
“Yeah, I’ll be there. Just let me know what time.” After promising me we’d talk more once he got in, we hung up the phone.
When I made it back to my apartment, I took another shower before crashing for a few hours. My sleep was fitful and plagued with nightmares about Rylee, the way she’d collapsed, and the look in her eyes when she told me to get the fuck out.
My body, head, and heart all ached even worse when I woke up. There was a text from Billy waiting for me, saying he’d be in shortly after seven. I checked the time. Only three p.m.
I flipped over on my bed, hooked my hands behind my head after grabbing my earphones, and tried to drown out the noise in my head with some more metal. It didn’t work.
Rylee occupied all the real estate in my mind. I fluctuated between smiling into the empty room, punching my mattress, feeling like I was about to cry for the first time in fucking years, and even fighting a hard-on at times.
God, I’m so fucked up right now.
Still feeling super down when I sat up an hour later, I figured hair of the dog wasn’t the worst idea. I had a beer in my kitchen while staring out the window before going to get dressed to get ready to pick Billy up later.
All in all, it was one of the most miserable days in my existence and I wasn’t feeling positive that the next day or even the one after that would be any better.
What if she never lets me back in?
I groaned out loud. I couldn’t even think about it. Facing the rest of my time on earth without her was the only thing I’d ever come across that I wouldn’t find a way through.
Chapter 28
RYLEE
When I walked into my house on Sunday morning with Bart in tow, Carter’s absence hit me like I’d entered a Home Alone-style prank-filled house full of booby traps. Instead of gloopy syrup, feathers, and marbles, I was hit by the complete and total lack of his things.
There was no leather jacket on my coatrack, no Max, no hoodie over the back of my couch, and no empty glasses or mugs anywhere. Carter wasn’t exactly messy, but when he made himself at home, he didn’t worry about things like taking his dishes back immediately or throwing his discarded clothes into the hamper right away.
It hadn’t bothered me because it’d come with him. His unwavering, larger-than-life presence that I’d felt the second I’d stepped foot inside. That presence was also one of the things I missed so acutely now.
A rustling in my kitchen made me snap my gaze in that direction. I dropped the duffle bag Jules had brought to the hospital for me and I’d insisted on carrying in myself, and ran toward the sound.
Carter. Please be Carter.
I couldn’t feel his presence, but maybe that was just because I hadn’t been expecting it. When I came around the corner and saw a familiar shock of dark hair and broad shoulders working the coffeemaker, I blinked