okay.”
It would be so much easier if she liked Raul. So much easier. She wished it was Raul who she wanted.
But she didn’t and the more she tried, the worse it got. Any harder and she might start hating him instead.
Raul glanced at the table behind her. “What happened?”
Raul wasn’t the one who’d taken up residence in her head. It wasn’t his hand she wanted between her legs; it wasn’t his smile she wanted to see. She only wanted the coldness that Hysterian brought.
“Nothing.” She was so tired and desperate for her bed. “Let’s go.” She made her way out of the lounge before Raul could question her further. She heard him catch up behind her.
“I shouldn’t have left you. I’m sorry.”
“Please, I don’t want to talk about it. I just want to sleep.”
“All right. That I can do.”
She didn’t go to Hysterian’s quarters. She couldn’t go to his quarters, knowing what awaited her there. Even if he wasn’t there, even if she could use his bed and explore his room, she just couldn’t do it.
I begged him to fuck me. Begged him.
And he hadn’t.
I begged him!
She’d never be able to sleep in his room after that.
And he hadn’t even touched her. I begged, and he made a fool out of me.
Raul followed her into their shared quarters, and without even going into the bathroom to change, Alexa slipped into her bunk.
“Alexa,” Raul said before she closed the privacy screen. “I’m here if you need anything.”
She didn’t respond, only closed her privacy screen. The darkness and quiet helped little. Hysterian was the only thing now, and she realized he was only ever going to be the only thing in her head. Raul had been a stupid distraction. And now, she had Hysterian’s terribly beautiful angelic face to curse her.
She stared into the darkness and only saw him.
She slid her hand down her body and under the lip of her pants.
Thirteen
Alexa feigned sickness and avoided Raul and the rest of the crew. Pretending to have a headache and her monthly made it easy enough to stop Pigeon from demanding that she go to medical and get checked out.
As for Hysterian, he was everywhere.
Everywhere. Like a waking nightmare. He’d always been in her dreams, but now he was there when she was awake as well.
She could’ve sworn that the moment she closed her eyes at night, he was sliding her screen open and staring at her. Even he tried to haul her into medical, saying he didn’t smell her monthly, and she’d locked herself in her quarters since.
He knew she was lying.
Of course he knew she was lying.
Still, he was outside her quarters every time she left them. He was in the lounge at night after shift’s end, keeping everyone but Pigeon away. He was leaving things for her to find whenever she least expected them.
First the dye, and then hair ties. She found high-quality coffee beans next to the brewer in the lounge, and a rare penny coin lying on her bedding. She knew it had to be him… There was no one else.
It was like he knew what he was doing to her and he wanted it to continue. He wanted her to think of him and nothing else. He was angry she hadn’t moved into his room. When he brought it up, she changed the subject. Alexa shook her head. She hated him, but found he wasn’t cruel or evil, but something she couldn’t put her finger on. She wished he’d just be cruel and evil. There was no way he could know how much he messed with her head.
Could he?
She’d never told a soul about what happened to her father. And unless Hysterian dug deep, there was no evidence on the network to link her to her father. All Hysterian would find is her credentials, her credit, her lack of a current address, and maybe—just maybe—her link to Elyria.
Daniels had been from Elyria too, so it couldn’t be an issue if she was, right?
As for Raul… It was easy for her to avoid him. She barely saw him anymore. Hysterian kept him busy. Raul tried to take care of her too, bringing her food and coffee, but it went untouched.
Raul now had double the workload, and it was because of her. But she didn’t mind the space. She could live with the guilt. It would only be a couple of days. Hysterian wouldn’t hurt him.
She hoped.
In the time she’d spent with Hysterian, he managed to be a decent