the sun come up, laughing and blissed out and smoking pot and cigarettes. Luckily Kelly was already in her bedroom. A few hours ago, I woke up around noon in Carson’s bed, and all I could think about was Reid behind me, moaning as he finished, and I felt like I was going to throw up. Carson dropped me off back at home, and I didn’t even go inside. I just got in my car and drove back to the drugstore for more Plan B. This is NOT the way this stuff is suppose to be used. I know it. I’m supposed to be responsible enough to actually use condoms. I mean, if I’m adult enough to have sex, I should be adult enough to do it safely, right?
The worst part of all this is that Carson was so silent when he dropped me off. He gave me a kiss good-bye, but things were so great between us when we left the restaurant last night, and now this . . . I just think this has fucked everything up. Everything I felt from him, the respect, and his sweetness, and all of that—did I just kill that by having group sex with him? How can he respect that?
How can I respect that?
ARGH. I am so ANGRY at myself for not saying something. Fucking Reid. And what about Carson? It can’t be all my fault, right? He was there too. When did he decide to switch with Reid? Whose idea was that? And why am I the one who feels guilty about it? I didn’t ever say “YES” to having sex with Reid. Did I even have the opportunity to say no?
Later . . .
Mom and Ashley were out shopping or something this afternoon and I wandered into the kitchen to get something to eat. Dad was standing at the sink staring out the window into the backyard. He turned and looked at me and gave me the sweetest smile. There was something so loving and so sad in his eyes that I just started crying.
He walked over to me and put both arms around me and just held me there in the kitchen for what seemed like the longest time. He didn’t say a word, he just held me. I felt the warmth of his face against my hair as he pressed his lips to the top of my head. I cried until I couldn’t anymore, and as my sobs subsided, Dad handed me a glass of water and asked me if there was something I’d like to talk about.
I wanted to tell him everything. I wanted to tell him so badly. I wanted to tell him all about Carson and Reid and what had happened last night at Kelly’s. I wanted to tell him how good it felt to do molly, and how bad it felt to not be sure about what happened last night.
Dad stood there and waited for a long time. I drank my water and handed the glass back to him. As he took it he smiled that sad smile again and said that he remembered a time when I told him all of my secrets.
I guess that time is long gone now. I could never tell my dad any of this. I could never tell anyone any of this.
As good as it feels to roll, as much fun as I have doing molly, I’m beginning to wonder if it’s worth it. I mean, I just had unsafe sex again—with a whole group of people. I don’t know where Reid has been or what Sara has been up to at college. And regardless of whether my body felt good during the whole experience, my brain was in a different place. Molly can make my body feel good at times when I feel like I should be questioning what’s really going on.
I’ve sent Carson a few texts, but I haven’t heard back, which is unlike him and makes me really upset. I wonder if he hates me or thinks I’m a scum ball now. I wonder if he thinks I’m a dirty slut. Screw him if he does. He’s the one who kept telling me how good it felt. Why is it that I would call myself a slut and not him?
Monday, June 30
I just got back from seeing Jess for the first time in what seems like forever. She was sort of wary of me at first, but she warmed up as we talked. I still