wake up. There were no nightmares. No choked back screams. And no frustrated kicking as she flipped around.
Positioned under me, Briar slept deeply.
Peacefully.
Chapter Sixteen
Fighting
Briar
For tea
LOST IN THAT hazy space between awake and sleep, I rolled and stretched. And then I felt it.
The stinging on my thighs.
The ache between them.
I was catapulted into full consciousness as the night before flashed through my head like a hellish slideshow.
A different nightmare of my own making.
Alexander.
I’d let him stay. I’d let him cut me. Touch me.
Then I’d practically begged him to fuck me.
And he had. It’d been incredible and hot and sick and insane and… the most amazing thing I’d ever experienced.
I jumped out of bed, and my trembling legs nearly gave out as I ran for the bathroom. My knees slammed to the hard tile in front of the toilet, but I barely registered the radiating pain as I threw up everything I had in my stomach. Since I’d barely eaten, there wasn’t much more than acrid stomach acid that burned as it was forced up, but I couldn’t stop heaving.
I’d been so stupid. So selfish. If he would’ve actually killed me, Aria would’ve found my body. How was her seeing my accidental death better than her finding me with a stomach full of pills or with my head in the oven? It would be just as traumatizing for her.
But it would’ve been easy for me, and that was all I’d cared about. That I wouldn’t be the one to have to do it. I’d greedily wanted the guiltfree escape Alexander had offered.
Alexander.
An angel of mercy.
In the cancer ward, there’d been whispers about a doctor who would help end terminal patients’ suffering. Then there’d been rumors about a couple of the counselors and aides at the last spa I’d involuntarily visited who would leave contraband in guests’ rooms—although they did it in exchange for cash and not out of mercy.
None of them had offered to help me. Alexander was the only one, and he hadn’t even followed through with it. He’d given me pain and pleasure until I couldn’t tell one from the other, and then he’d left.
Because you don’t deserve mercy or compassion or peace. You only deserve pain.
My retching stomach reminded me that, for all I knew, he had killed me. But instead of a peaceful death, I’d slowly die with some STD he’d given me. If I wanted a disease to make me rot away from the inside out, I wouldn’t have tortured myself with chemo hell. I would’ve just let the cancer kill me.
I should call the cops or Aria. Or the cops and Aria.
I didn’t do either. What was I going to say?
Yes, officer, he offered to kill me because he knows how badly I want to die and then he fucked me because I humped him like a cat in heat.
And, oh yeah, Aria, I’m even more fucked up than you know. Sure, prepare the padded room—I’m on my way.
Even if I was willing to say all that—which I was not—there was nothing to report him for. He hadn’t forced me or manipulated me or threatened me. He’d offered me the help I needed because I was too cowardly to do the job myself. And then once my needs had changed, he’d helped with that, too. I hadn’t fucked him because I was scared for my life and thought I had to.
I’d done it because I’d wanted to.
Sure, there’d been a current of fear and control with the knife play, but that’d made it better.
Because I was so fucking messed up and stupid.
Like she’d always said.
Shame and guilt spiraled through me, mixing with the anxiety and panic that’d been festering all week until that was all I felt. Just toxicity weaving around my brain, taking over everything until I couldn’t think. I couldn’t breathe. All my bullshit coping mechanisms and grounding techniques were gone.
And all that was left was hopelessness.
Hopelessness and despair.
I didn’t cry. I rarely did, but in that moment when I could’ve used the cathartic release, I was shut down. Cold. No, subzero—physically and emotionally. My fingers were mottled and frozen as the undercurrent of panic made me sweat.
Wiping my mouth with the back of my hand, I hurried into my bedroom before dropping to search under the bed and side table.
Nothing.
I could’ve sworn I heard it fall…
Coming up empty, I went to search the living room. My heart raced, my limbs tingled, and my harsh breathing was ineffective, as though my lungs weren’t taking