ever been able to be truly weak and tender with are Summer and Sidonie. Now I have Carina. One more little spot of tenderness in my otherwise stony heart.
Lana gave me that. I might be afraid of getting close to her and having things turn to shit. But I won’t trick her into thinking I feel something just to get a deal with her brother-in-law. Even I have lines I won’t cross.
LANA
The entire week in Shasta, I struggle with my feelings over Bronco, his family, and that town. Shelby’s explanation both clear up some things and darken my view of others. Even with days to prepare, I remain wary about returning to Elko.
One reason I loved stripping was being above the crowd and out of reach. Even during lap dances, I was the one who could touch, never them. I felt power when I stripped that I lacked in the rest of my life.
With Bronco, though, I’m not the one calling the shots. I’m just a horny, lovestruck loser desperate for his attention.
Except that’s not completely true. I have the power to refuse to visit with Carina. He can’t force me to drive to Elko. I know he doesn’t want to come here. That offers me a lot of power.
I can also choose to go the week without sending pictures. While I might not be able to read his feelings for me, I know he’s crazy about his daughters. I saw him goofing around with Summer and Sidonie last weekend. He also loves to hold Carina. There’s already such love in his eyes for a baby he just met.
If I wanted to hurt Bronco, I have the power to do so by keeping his daughter away.
I can’t be so cruel, of course. But he doesn’t know that. Bronco is also in the dark at how Sidonie’s digging her way into my heart. Though I’m sure he’s aware of how much Sidonie and Desi talk during this week, I doubt he can understand how much his middle daughter reminds me of my little sister.
Max craved attention to the point of seeming obnoxious. She was awkward and weird. I often wish I had been more sympathetic to my sister. As kids, I worried about my survival, not hers. Once I was a teenager, I just wanted to get away from my family and start over.
Now I see the same fragile heart in Bronco’s daughter, and I want to soothe her in the way I rarely did Max. Though I don’t know if I have the power to help Sidonie, I can’t help wanting to try.
So I’m more attached to Bronco and his daughter than he realizes, giving me power. Yet I know once I see him, my lust will no doubt short-circuit my well-laid plans.
I don’t know what will help me deal with Bronco’s lifestyle. Or how to cope with what happened between his club and Ramona. I see her every day, but I’m afraid to say anything. We’re not close like she is with Max, or I am with Shelby. Talking her up about something painful feels like a cruel move.
Shelby encourages me to try but to follow Ramona’s lead. If she seems to get rattled, I’ll back off.
On Thursday, I join Ramona in the backyard. Desi is still at school while Shane went to the gym with River. Ramona watches her boys—two-year-old Iggy and nearly one-year-old Ozzy—as they play in the grass. The older boy crawls on the ground, making his younger brother laugh.
I smile at how much the boys enjoy each other’s company. I don’t remember if I played so easily with Max when we were little. I do know as we got older that we never seemed to click. She was timid while I lived in my head. She liked quietly playing with her toys while I strived to win approval from girls who never offered it.
“I wanted to ask you something, but maybe now isn’t the time,” I tell Ramona as I stand near where she sits on the steps.
“Why?”
“The boys are here.”
“Is it about sex because they can’t tell what we’re saying?” she asks, grinning at me with her red-painted lips.
“Sorta. I wanted to speak without Shane around. I thought he’d get upset.”
Ramona’s dark eyes study me before she says, “You want to know about the Executioners.”
Nodding, I’m nauseous with guilt over asking. Ramona’s struggled with depression for as long as Max has known her. Why am I putting her on the spot?
“I don’t want to