now it’s done. Very efficient.”
But there was an interesting word in there, wasn’t there? Forever.
How did forever work? In Finn’s world, it had never been a thing. His world had been full of hard limits. Walls thrown up on every side.
“Everything okay?” Colby asked, sensing the shift in his mood.
Finn nodded, but the words wouldn’t come.
Colby took him in his arms and held him close. Neither of them spoke for a while, there under the big bright moon.
When he was finally able to gather his thoughts, Finn said, “Someone once told me that I trust too slowly and risk too quickly. I think that’s true, and I think it’s what happens in a world that limits you and hurts you all the time. You know you can’t trust anybody, they’re always going to turn on you—but at the same time, you’re so desperate for something to change, you’ll do really dangerous things to make it happen.”
“You’re safe now,” Colby assured him.
“That’s just it. I’m safe now. Which means…I can trust. Which means…well, I don’t know what it means. What do people do when they trust one another?”
“They feel things, apparently,” Colby said. “You’re not the only one who has been thinking about this a lot. I mean, every day I wake up so excited, I don’t know what to do with myself. I practically shiver, trying to anticipate what the new day will bring. I’ve never been this happy before, and I don’t know what to do with that, any more than you know what to do with trust. Feelings are weird, man. I’m always smiling. It’s disgusting.”
“Yeah, it’s terrible.”
“But…you trust me? You really do?”
Finn nodded solemnly. “I do.”
“I was thinking. This will sound stupid. But do you remember our first night here, out in the spring-house, in the tub?”
Even in the moonlight he could see Finn blush. “God, yeah, of course I do. I’ll never forget it.”
“I remember thinking of you then as a kind of flower petal. That you would be so easy to hurt. And how I know people who would see that and they’d become cruel. You looked so vulnerable back then, so easily hurt. And I think about how, sometimes what seems most easily broken, is the thing we’d give our lives to protect. You know? Sometimes you hold a flower petal in your hand and you try your best not to crush it, and not to let it blow away. Its vulnerability inspires something in you, a protectiveness.”
It wasn’t like Colby to turn into a poet. Finn linked arms with him and said, “That’s beautiful.”
“What I’m getting at is…what if I wanted to spend the rest of my life protecting you…and having my heart opened up by you? What if you wanted to spend your life with someone you could trust?”
Finn looked up into Colby’s dark eyes. The pupils were lost in the shadows, and yet flecks of moonlight gave them a depth he could fall straight into. “I think I would like that very much,” he said.
“Then marry me, Finnian Smith. Do you want to? We could do it here, with all our friends, it wouldn’t have to be huge if you didn’t want that, you could tell them how to design everything, all I care about—”
On his tiptoes, Finn kissed Colby’s disclaimers away. “Yes,” he breathed. “Yes, I will marry you, and I will be with you forever. Here, there, anywhere. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that I’m with you.”
But things change. Sometimes, even when you’re married, you realize there’s some little extra space, a space you didn’t realize existed in your relationship…a space that could only be filled by a small person who loved you both as much as you loved each other.
A small person, for instance, like Franklin, who was tearing across the lawn after Noah’s niece, yelling, “Roooo-ney! Rooney! Come back! Daddy Colby, she took my car! Rooooo-ney!”
“Better run faster, then!” Colby encouraged him, as Finn laughed.
The kids disappeared into the hedges, until all that was left was the crashing of branches and high-pitched laughter.
“Do you think he’s settling in okay?” Finn asked.
Colby grinned. “Quit worrying. He loves it down here. Getting to play with his cousin Roo is the highlight of the summer.”
“Did I put enough sunscreen on his nose?”
“Finn, he’s fine!”
But Colby understood.
Franklin had been a big decision. Adopting hadn’t been something they’d talked about early on—kids? Them? And yet they realized they both wanted one—at least one—and certainly there was enough money, and enough love, and enough everything.
Besides, Colby had said the night they’d stayed up until dawn talking about it, between your parents and my dad, we know that not all kids get the upbringing they deserve. We can help make sure that doesn’t happen, for at least one child, right?
Finn knew he was a little overprotective…but then, his whole life he’d been under-protected, hadn’t he? But Colby was right there to set him straight. Franklin too. I don’t need an overcoat, Daddy Finn, it’s summer!
“Did you ever picture yourself like this?” he asked Colby.
“Sunning myself outside a mansion? Quite often, actually.”
Finn laughed. “You know what I mean. Married! With a kid!”
Colby shook his head, but the smile on his face was unmistakable. “Never in my life. I figured my whole existence would be late nights at the office, until finally either the work or the scotch killed me.” He lifted his glass of orange juice—plain orange juice, with nothing in it but a couple of ice cubes. “Look at me, being healthy.”
“There were times I couldn’t even see a future for myself,” Finn said. “At the club, some of those nights, I’d try to imagine what life would be like in a year, ten years…and it was only blackness. No future at all.”
It had only been recently that Finn had been able to talk freely about the club, about his parents, about all the dark experiences of those years. Colby had given him all the time he needed, and now it was just a part of his life, a long-ago part of his history that couldn’t ever come back to haunt him. Where did you get your scar? Franklin had asked him one day. Finn had grinned and said, One of these days I’ll tell you the whole story…but for now, just make sure you always wear your seatbelt.
“Well, now you have a future, Mr. Finnian Raines-Smith.”
“Why, thank you for that, Mr. Colbert Raines-Smith.”
They clinked their juice glasses together, and watched as Franklin ran back across the garden, this time chased by the girl, both the kids hooting with laughter.
“So what’s next on our adventures?” Colby asked. “Should we introduce Franklin to Norway and Sweden? Should we adopt a hundred more kids?”
Finn’s hand slid over, slipping inside Colby’s. “Does it matter? As long as the three of us are together, I’m happy.”
That was the amazing thing.
Even after all this time together, it still hadn’t quite sunk in, how happy he could be. How simple life could be, with people you loved.
Finn hadn’t had much luck with his original family, but now he had a real family—his husband, his child, and even his friends, Polly, Roan, Graber—now Noah and Dalton too—even Hawk and Daniel—who all felt like his brothers, like he’d somehow fallen into the biggest family of all time.
He’d never felt so looked after.
So safe.
As though, once you trust someone, it’s okay to take a leap of faith, to take the risk of joining your life to theirs.
As though maybe trust and risk weren’t separate at all—because risk existed, you needed that trust to get you through it.
He’d come such a long way since the club, but the thing that struck Finn at moments like these—moments in the sun, with his boy running past, and his man sitting next to him—the thing that struck Finn was that there was still so much of life to grasp, to hold, to cherish, to love.
He settled back into his chair, sipped his juice, and watched the kids play.
So, did nervous old Roan ever go for that massage at the spring-house? There’s only one way to find out: Check out this free short, Boy on the Table!
Afterword
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