going from my cheek all the way down my chest. I woke up an orphan. The police and the hospital social worker were very respectful and kind, and I wanted to laugh. I think I was in shock. I was free. Free! They couldn’t take me to the conversion therapy clinic! I’d done it! And then I realized what I’d done. My own stupidity had gotten them killed.
“So that’s what I carry with me, all the time. I’m an orphan on purpose. I killed my folks. And I have regretted it every second of every day. I wish they’d arrested me, but of course the law doesn’t see it that way, it was just an accident. But I know the truth.”
I stare at Finn.
He looks more vulnerable than I have ever seen him. Even that first night, the time he had looked so scared in the private room at the club, he had not looked this frail, like the wind might blow him away.
Are you kind?
That was what he had asked me.
I still don’t know the answer to that. Kindness doesn’t seem like part of my personality, part of my soul.
But I protect what’s important to me. Is that kindness?
I reach out for him and draw him close.
“Didn’t you hear me?” he asks, his voice strained, his body stiff, like he is trying to push me away without actually pushing. “Didn’t you hear what I just said?”
“Was that it? That was your horrible secret? That’s what Jimi had over your head?”
“I’m a murderer.”
I shook my head. “You were an abused kid who tried to jump out of a car. What happened was a tragedy. It wasn’t your fault.”
“They died, Colby.”
“And that’s terrible. It’s terrible you had to go through that, it’s terrible they couldn’t see the light. Couldn’t see you the way I do. But man… None of that is your fault. Horrible things happen, Finn. They happen all the time. To good people, bad people, everybody. Maybe if your parents hadn’t had that accident, they would’ve gotten to know you better, would’ve realized how great you are. But maybe they wouldn’t. I don’t know. Nobody does. But what I do know is, you’ve been a victim twice: First, a victim of an accident your parents had a hand in, and second, a victim of a man who took advantage of you at your most vulnerable point.”
He shakes his head, tears running down his face—I can see the rivulet of tears in the scar on his cheek—but he doesn’t fight me when I pull him closer.
“I feel so bad, Colby.”
“Listen…listen. I’m a negotiator, right? I make deals. That’s what I do. So here’s the deal I’m offering you. Come home with me. You can stay in the guest room if you want to, whatever you want. Then tomorrow…we’re going to see about getting you some help. I don’t know what kind. Therapy, maybe, I don’t know. We don’t… We don’t have to be together, if it’s too hard for you, okay? Don’t worry about that part. If being with me brings up too many bad memories of Jimi, of your parents, then I’ll fade into the background. But your job is safe, and I’ll make sure your therapy gets paid for, and whatever else needs handling, I’ll handle. You need some room to heal, is all. You need some time.”
Now he does push away from me, looking up at me with his dark eyes…eyes that, strangely, remind me of my own. How had I never noticed that before?
“You’re telling me you want to break up with me…for my own good?”
“No! God no! I’m just saying, I don’t want to take advantage of you. Maybe now’s not the right time for the two of us. I’m saying, if it means you can be healthy and happy, I’m willing to give this up, even though it’s going to break my heart, because Finn… I love you. I really do. I meant it the first time I said it, and I mean it now. And as much as I’d love to be greedy and have you all to myself… Maybe loving you means giving you space. I know I can be a little all-consuming.”
He shakes his head solemnly. “You may be good at business, Mr. Raines, but you’re pretty stupid when it comes to the human heart.”
“I know. And I’m sorry if I’ve overstepped—”
When he laughs, it’s a strained, hoarse sound…but it’s honest, and it’s true, and it’s still full of tears and