or be comfortable or hold in my pee. It was rough. I was mad. Then I went through a period of feeling sorry for myself and confused and scared. I was worried the baby and I wouldn’t bond or that I would resent her because I thought my life was over.
“Those months were rough, and I wasn’t the same person. To a certain extent, I’m not the same person I was then or even before then.” That was the understatement of a lifetime. I hadn’t just been mad; I’d been hurt too. “I thought you didn’t want to have anything to do with us, and that pissed me off. But she’s here, and I’m here, and you’re here, and I love her so much I can never explain it, even to you. We can’t turn back time, but I thought we were trying to move forward. I haven’t thought about pushing you down the stairs in at least two weeks,” I tried to joke.
But he didn’t take it. Instead, Jonah murmured, “I’m so damn sorry.”
“I know you are.” Because I did.
“I wish I could go back in time and change it all.”
Was my heart supposed to hurt like this? “Not everything, I hope.”
Jonah turned to me, one cheek hitching up in a grave half-smile. “No, not everything.” His nostrils flared at the same time his other cheek started to go up too.
“Had you even thought about having kids?” I asked him, realizing I had no idea how he’d felt about it.
His features got thoughtful for a moment. “I never thought about it much. I have a big family… but I think I would have been happy.”
I gave him a flat look that had him giving me a slightly amused but pained one.
“All right, I would have been worried too, maybe even a bit scared, but I liked you so much….”
I barely managed to keep the snort to myself. Sure, he’d like me so much. He had liked me so much he hadn’t reached out to me, regardless of how often he’d thought about me and how crazy he claimed he had been over me. But I was going to ignore that slight pain. I wasn’t going to think about it. His career had been the most important part of his life. There was no competition there, and I understood it.
You couldn’t change a person’s priorities. I couldn’t make myself more important. I was lucky enough to have been so high up on at least two other people’s lists.
“I like you so much,” he amended while I kicked my thoughts aside. “It would have been fine. I would have been there, here, wherever you were.”
Should’ve, would’ve, could’ve.
And then there was that present tense.
“I’m sorry again for the things my mum said today. She thinks she means well, even when she meddles and says things—”
“She’s just watching out for you,” I told him. “She doesn’t know me, and I’m sure you’ve had more than enough girls throwing themselves at you before because they know who you are.” And because of that ass. And that face. And all those muscles. But he didn’t need an ego boost right then, or ever, so I didn’t mention any of that. Much less all the good parts that weren’t visible to the naked eye, like his personality.
He had made a face when I said the last sentence, and I couldn’t help but snicker at it.
“I’ve grown up around men in the spotlight, jackass. I’m not stupid.”
Jonah let out a suffering sigh that made me snort, and I could tell he was fighting back a small grin that he wasn’t totally feeling. “Did you not hear what my sister said?”
“What? About you being shy? I was going to ask you about that. You talked to me like nothing from the moment we met.” I’d thought about that period again in the afternoon while I’d been with just Mo. Jonah had instantly started talking to me, smiling, being playful and teasing….
And just… maybe a little bashful, a little more easygoing by not being aggressive or cocky.
But we’d never struggled to talk or get along. He had been the one who invited me to go to dinner after our tour. The one who had asked me for my number so we could go to the Louvre together. He was the one who’d posted a picture of us together hours after we’d met.
The point was, he had never been shy around me. He had never used that ultra-quiet voice in