her head away from me to look out the window.
Outside wasn't much. A few trees, a lawn, and beyond that a fence, not to keep the inmates in but to keep out the seamier residents of a rather seamy town. But there were low hills in the distance, and the birds usually seemed cheerful. Now, of course, the rain had driven both birds and hills into hiding. There was no wind, and so the trees didn't even sway. The rain just came straight down.
"Outer space is like the rain," she said. "It sounds like that out there, just a low drizzling sound in the background of everything."
"Not really," I said. "There's no sound out there at all."
"How do you know?" she asked.
"There's no air. Can't be any sound without air."
She looked at me scornfully. "Just as I thought. You don't really know. You've never been there, have you?"
"Are you trying to pick a flght?"
She started to answer, caught herself, and nodded. "Damned rain."
"At least you don't have to drive in it," I said. But her eyes got wistful, and I knew I had taken the banter too far. "Hey," I said. "First clear day I'll take you out driving."
"It's hormones," she said.
"What's hormones?"
"I'm fifteen. It always bothered me when I had to stay in. But I want to scream.
My muscles are all bunched up, my stomach is all tight, I want, to go outside and scream. It's hormones."
"What about your friends?" I asked.
"Are you kidding? They're all out there, playing in the rain."
"All of them?"
"Except Grunty, of course. He'd dissolve."
"And where's Grunty?"
"In the freezer, of course."
"Someday the nurses are going to mistake him for ice cream and serve him to the guests." She didn't smile. She just nodded, and I knew that I wasn't getting anywhere. She really was depressed.
I asked her whether she wanted something.
"No pills," she,said. "They make me sleep all the time."
"If I gave you uppers, it would make you climb the walls."
"Neat trick," she said.
"It's that strong. So do you want something to take your mind off the rain and these four ugly yellow walls?"
She shook her head. "I'm trying not to sleep."
"Why not?"
She just shook her head again. "Can't sleep. Can't let myself sleep too much."
I asked again.
"Because," she said, "I might not wake up." She said it rather sternly, and I knew I shouldn't ask anymore. She didn't often get impatient with me, but I knew this time I was coming perilously close to overstaying my welcome.
"Got to go," I said. "You will wake up." And then I left, and I didn't see her for a week, and to tell the truth I didn't think of her much that week, what with the rain and a suicide in Ford County that really got to me, since she was fairly young and had a lot to live for, in my opinion. She disagreed and won the argument the hard way.
Weekends I live in a trailer in Piedmont. I live alone. The place is spotlessly clean because cleaning is something I do religiously. Besides, I tell myself, I might want to bring a woman home with me one night. Some nights I even do, and some nights I even enjoy it, but I always get restless and irritable when they start trying to get me to change my work schedule, or take them along to the motels I live in or, once only, get the trailerpark manager to let them into my trailer when I'm gone. To keep things cozy for me. I'm not interested in "cozy." This is probably because of my mother's death; her cancer and my responsibilities as housekeeper for my father probably explain why I am a neat housekeeper. Therapist, therap thyself. The days passed in rain and highways and depressing people depressed out of their minds; the nights passed in television and sandwiches and motel bedsheets at state expense; and then it was time to go to the Millard County Rest Home again, where Elaine was waiting. It was then that I thought of her and realized that the rain had been going on for more than a week, and the poor girl must be almost out of her mind. I bought a cassette of Copland conducting Copland. She insisted on cassettes, because they stopped. Eight-tracks went on and on until she couldn't think.
"Where have you been?" she demanded.
"Locked in a cage by a cruel duke in Transylvania. It was only four feet high, suspended over a pond filled with crocodiles.