I’ll do something wrong and it’s all going to disappear again. I suppose I’m worried that it’s too good to be true.’
‘I get it,’ she replied. ‘But you’re overthinking it. He likes you, clearly. He’s asked you to be his girlfriend.’
‘He’s invited me to meet his family next weekend too,’ I added. ‘Is it not just a bit quick?’
Mia narrowed her eyes at me. ‘How old is he?’
‘Thirty-seven.’
‘So he just knows what he wants,’ she said, with another shrug.
‘Also,’ added Ruby, ‘if he wasn’t messaging you and inviting you to stay with his family, you’d be sitting here complaining that he’d gone silent.’
‘True,’ I said, thinking back to the few flings I’d had where they’d done just that.
‘And what’s the sex like?’ Ruby went on. ‘If I’m never having sex ever again I need to get my kicks where I can.’
I wondered if I should ask them. Encouraged by the champagne, I decided I should. It was comforting, talking like this. I couldn’t remember a time when we’d had such a frank joint conversation. ‘OK, so the sex is amazing. He just sort of… knows exactly what to do. But there is one thing.’
‘What?’ they both chorused together.
‘He does this thing…’ Then I stopped again, unsure how to explain it.
‘Cough up,’ ordered Ruby.
‘OK, but it’s got to stay between us, promise?’
‘Obviously,’ said Ruby, waggling her fingers at me to indicate more speed was required. ‘Come on, what is it?’
‘OK, so he does the thing,’ I repeated, ‘like, at the end…’
‘When you’ve finished shagging?’
‘Rubes, can you let her speak?’ said Mia.
‘I am! Flo, continue. He does this thing…’
I sighed. ‘It’s not afterwards. It’s right before. Or actually right when he…’ I stopped again. I didn’t want to say the word ‘comes’ out loud but what else was there? ‘Orgasms’ seemed too sex therapist and ‘ejaculates’ too biology teacher. ‘It’s when he comes,’ I said quickly. ‘He says something. He always says “Cowabunga!”’
Ruby laughed and then clapped a hand over her mouth. Mia pressed her lips together and frowned as if thinking over a challenging crossword puzzle.
‘OK,’ she said, after a few beats of silence. ‘It’s not that bad.’
‘Isn’t it?’
‘No! Hugo likes talking dirty but he’s really bad at it.’
‘Not him too?’ said Ruby, her mouth and eyes wide with mirth. ‘This is too good. What does he say?’
Now it was Mia’s turn to look embarrassed. ‘Just stuff like “Has someone been a naughty girl?” or “Who’s a hungry girl, then?”’
‘Hugo! Jesus Christ,’ said Ruby, laughing so hard I thought she might choke, which made me laugh harder, and eventually even Mia joined in, so all three of us were almost crying, shoulders shaking, faces creased.
‘Blimey. I wouldn’t have thought he had it in him,’ I said, a few moments later when I’d regained control of myself.
Mia smiled and nodded slowly. ‘Yes, every now and then he can surprise me in that department.’
‘On Sundays before golf?’
‘Exactly,’ she drawled.
‘You cannot possibly marry someone who says “Who’s a hungry girl, then?”’ Ruby told her, wiping her cheeks with her thumb. ‘Imagine being ninety and still having to listen to that.’
‘I won’t be having sex when I’m ninety,’ said Mia.
‘What? I will be.’
‘I thought you weren’t having sex ever again?’
‘I’m not. Not for a bit anyway.’
‘So it’s not that bad?’ I said, still wanting reassurance. ‘The “cowabunga!” thing?’
‘Noooooo,’ Mia insisted again, shaking her head. ‘In the grand scheme of things, it’s really not.’
‘Not compared to “Who’s a hungry girl then?”’ said Ruby, still laughing. ‘Honestly, I’m never going to forget this.’ She nudged Mia with her foot. ‘Hey, what time’s he home tonight? I’m going to ask if he’s hungry and wants any leftover takeaway.’
‘If you dare,’ said Mia, kicking her back.
‘OK,’ I said, trying to distract them before a fight broke out. ‘So I should forget about it and not say anything? Not even a joke?’
‘No! Definitely not a joke,’ said Mia. ‘Men aren’t into jokes about their performance.’
I made a mental note of this. ‘And I should say yes to the weekend with his parents?’
‘Yes, go.’
‘I agree,’ said Ruby. ‘And I don’t think you should be put off by it either. He’s showing his appreciation, if anything. In fact…’ She paused.
‘What?’
‘I think you should raise him.’
‘What d’you mean?’
‘Why not send a little nude, just to show you’re thinking about him?’
‘Rubes,’ warned Mia.
‘What?’ said Ruby. ‘Flo is new to all this, I’m trying to help.’ She looked from Mia to me. ‘Just a flash of nipple or something to encourage him. But keep your