drunk and he thought it would be funny to show me.’
‘What a comedian. But how have you got it on your phone?’
‘From his phone this morning. He was passed out so I held his finger to the screen.’
‘Top work, Agatha Christie. OK, and my second question is, do we show Mia?’
‘Yes, obviously.’
‘On her wedding day?’
‘We’ve got to, haven’t we? You’d want to know, right?’
I sighed again. ‘Yeah, I guess.’
‘Are you going to say anything to Rory?’ she asked more gently. ‘Are you all right?’
I pressed my lips together and thought for a moment. I was waiting for a wave of anger, of sadness at the knowledge that my boyfriend bit a sugary snack off another woman’s breast before she gave him a blow job. But I didn’t feel particularly angry. Instead, I just felt the tiniest twinge of relief. All the anxiety, all the obsession with keeping hold of him suddenly felt absurd. I’d done everything I could – seen a love coach, worn uncomfortable knickers, put on a blindfold, pretended that I’d enjoyed myself at his parents’ house, gone to that awful ball, listened to him shout ‘Cowabunga!’ again and again but none of it was right. That was the very simple, very evident truth, and all it had taken was a naked woman wearing a pair of sequinned knickers for me to realize. The revelation made me snort with laughter.
‘What’s so funny?’ said Ruby, frowning at me.
‘You’ll see,’ I said, leaning across for my own phone, charging on the bedside table. I found Rory’s name and hit the green button.
It rang a few times before he answered, groggily. ‘Morning, my little chou-fleur, you’re up early.’
‘Please don’t chou-fleur me,’ I said coolly. ‘What happened in Prague?’
I heard the sound of sheets rustling in the background and Rory coughed to clear his throat. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Did you or did you not get…’ I paused, unable to say it aloud. What was the least bad expression? ‘Oral sex from a stripper?’
‘Florence, darling. How can you possibly think that I wou—’
‘There’s a video.’
His voice went up an octave. ‘What video?’
‘Hugo’s friend Jeremy has it,’ I replied, trying to stay calm. ‘Of you and Hugo cavorting about like a pair of FUCKING TEENAGERS.’
The anger had started to hit; Rory’s arrogance, the audacity to deny it and his feeble protestation all seemed so tawdry.
He paused at the end of the phone. I could almost hear his thoughts processing: how do I get out of this? How do I calm her down?
‘Florence, I’m sorry,’ he said eventually. ‘It was a very foolish thing to do. Boys being boys. Can you forgive me?’
‘I don’t think so.’
His voice became more serious at this. ‘Florence, it was a stag weekend. These things happen.’
‘Oh, these things happen, do they? That’s interesting. Because what I don’t understand is how someone who’s so desperate to be prime minister would allow himself to be filmed getting fellated by a stranger in novelty knickers?’
Beside me, Ruby punched the air with her fist.
Rory’s voice went up another octave. ‘Florence, please don’t do anything silly. I mean it!’
‘Is that a threat?’
‘Just… just… just please can you delete that video? I’m sorry, it was a mistake. A silly, silly mistake. Hugo made me do it.’
‘Oh, Hugo made you do it, did he?’
‘Yes, yes! I didn’t want to, honestly.’
‘Rory Dundee,’ I started, ‘you are a spineless, self-obsessed, selfish wanker.’
‘Florence…’
‘I hate your poncey clothes.’
‘Florence, please…’
‘I hate your snobbery and your pretentious friends.’
‘Florence, come on, I don’t thi—’
‘I think you’re arrogant and smug and I would never vote for you to be prime minister. And I still don’t even really understand what the home secretary does! Don’t even think about coming to this wedding. COWABUNGA YOURSELF!’
I hung up and chucked my phone on the bed, my heart hammering under my T-shirt like a war drum.
Ruby whooped. ‘Flo! I’ve never seen you like that. I’m proud of you.’
I laughed and put a hand to my chest to try and calm it. ‘Yeah, I’m quite proud of myself. That felt good. I feel good.’
‘So you should.’
‘Right?’ I paused, trying make sense of the thoughts racing through my head. ‘I suppose everything I told him had been dawning on me for a while – he was pompous and selfish, and those stupid, stupid clothes – but I was too hooked on having someone.’ I looked up from the bed to her face as if for guidance. ‘I guess I was too hooked on having a boyfriend?’
She nodded and was about to