extremely fond of Stacey, who was fighting her way back to strength after a violent rape. Prospect House was giving her the breathing space to get back on track, in a place where memories of her assault weren’t lurking around every corner.
‘How you doing, missus?’
‘Okay, I think. Bit better.’ Stacey’s voice was quiet as usual.
‘Good! Are you okay to talk, Stace?’
The girl shrugged her shoulders; on some days, even the most basic decision was too tough.
‘I’ve been thinking about going home…’ This she delivered with her eyes averted, as though it were in some way disloyal, rude.
‘Well, that’s a good thing. Only you will know when you are ready. You can of course stay as long as you want to.’
‘I know.’ Stacey gave a small smile of gratitude.
‘Sometimes it’s a good idea to write down your thoughts: reasons to stay a while and why you want to go home. It might help.’
‘I don’t have to write it down, Kate. I know I have to go back to my mum’s at some point, but East Ham’s not that big. Everyone knows…’
‘Stacey, you didn’t do anything wrong. You were the victim, don’t ever forget that.’
‘Yeah, I know that too, but it doesn’t really matter how or why when people are pointing at me. It still feels really shit.’
‘I can imagine, love. It will take enormous courage.’ Kate swallowed the hypocrisy, knowing it was courage she herself didn’t possess. She would never return to Mountbriers Academy. ‘And you do have a lot of support. You’ve got your mum and your brother, and from what you’ve told me you and Nathan are very close.’
‘Yeah, we are; he’s brilliant. We were on our own a lot when we were little, my mum always worked and he was more like my mum in some ways, looking after me and stuff. But it’s not been the same since this happened to me. Mum doesn’t know what to say to make it better, so we just avoid the subject, both making out everything is okay. And Nathan’s life hasn’t really changed, he’s still working at the care home, getting too involved with the old dears that he looks after and trying to find a new boyfriend. It’s not like it was when we were little, when we were always together and he could make things better for me just by making me laugh. He’s still my very best friend, but things are different.’
‘What you’ve been through won’t change how he feels about you, Stacey.’
‘I know, and I know Nathan loves me, but he’s busy. He copes with bad things by distracting himself. None of us are very good at talking about anything that matters. One of his old ladies that he really loved died – Dorothea, I think she was called – and he was gutted, but I only found out by accident. We hide things in our house, make out everything’s all right. It’s like we can’t cope if we’re not laughing, but it makes me feel panicky to think of being at home and having to laugh and joke when I’m broken inside.’
Kate nodded, understanding this too well.
‘I know your mum wants you back and that is only natural, but you are the one who must decide when the time is right to go home, and there is no rush, Stacey.’
‘I guess so.’
Stacey’s mouth moved to form words that were a struggle to sound. She dug deep, found her courage.
‘It’s not really about my mum or Nathan, though; it’s more about people I haven’t met yet…’
Kate tried to anticipate her concern.
‘You don’t have to tell anyone unless you are comfortable doing so, Stacey. What you went through doesn’t define you; it’s just a small part of you that feels like a big part right now. But its hold on you and its domination of your thoughts and actions will diminish with time. I promise you.’
‘I…’ Stacey tried and failed to reveal her thoughts.
‘What is it, love?’
‘I don’t know how anyone will love me and I don’t think I will be able to love anyone, not now I know how bloody awful people can be, and that makes me so sad. It’s like my life has finished before it’s started. I’m glad for my mates whose lives are moving on, they’re having babies and stuff, but I feel a little bit jealous sometimes, that that will never be me. I can’t see me ever getting married, being someone’s wife, not now.’
Stacey snatched at the buttons on her