to do the whole several shades of lobster thing before tanning. I’ve got enough lotions and potions to last a lifetime.’
‘Kate—’ Francesca’s voice was a little more insistent this time.
‘I know, I know. I’m rambling, Fran, I can’t help it! I am so excited! Did I give you flight times? I did, didn’t I? I want to see them before we fly, obviously. I think I’ll get a hotel room at Gatwick and they can either come down the night before or really, really early so we have a few hours to kind of get to know each other again before we take off—’
‘They. Are. Not. Coming.’
Francesca delivered each syllable as though she were talking to a foreigner: louder than normal and over-enunciated.
‘Oh, well, that’s okay. It was just a thought. I can meet them at the airport and actually, thinking about it, that might work better. It might be easier for them with lots of people around, lots of distractions. In fact it will give us all a chance to just “be” together and by the time we arrive, talking will be easier. I don’t mind, whichever is best.’
‘No. Listen to me, Kate. They are not coming at all, not to the airport and not on holiday. They are not coming at all. I’m sorry, lovey.’
Kate allowed her legs to slide down the wall. Her babbling ceased and she curled into a small ball on top of the duvet, wrapped around the telephone handset.
‘Is it the journey?’ she whispered. ‘I could easily come and pick them up. Or I could send money for the train fare, anything.’
‘It’s no good, Katie, they need more time.’
‘More time? How much more time? They’ve had five years!’ Kate squealed through a mouth contorted with sobs.
‘I know, honey, I know…’
‘You don’t know, Francesca! You really do not know! I’m sorry, I know it’s not your fault, but please, please, please bring them to me, please. Fran, please…’
‘Honey, I have tried. I promise you, I have tried. I have sat with them both and discussed the options. Bear with them, Katie, they just need longer. Having you out is yet another adjustment and we have to tread carefully.’
In prison Kate had been able to fool herself with many reasons for their absence: the distance from York, their hectic schedules, the fear of seeing her in a prison setting. Now, however, she had to face the reality. Not visiting her had been their choice. Worse still, even now, when they could simply jump on a train and be with her in a matter of hours, they still didn’t want to see her. She could no longer conceal the unpalatable truth from herself.
‘Please, Francesca, please!’
‘It’s not my decision, Katie. I know this is tough.’
Too tough, it’s too tough. How do I get through this?
‘Let’s see how they feel when you get back. Don’t cry, sis, it will all be okay. Please don’t cry.’
My heart breaks every time. Every time.
* * *
The idea of a holiday hadn’t occurred to Kate until she’d blurted it out to the nosy lawyer. But it made perfect sense: a chance for her and the kids to get reacquainted in a neutral setting, a chance to have them all to herself, to try and catch up after their time apart. She hadn’t considered that they simply would not want to be with her.
This knowledge caused the tiny fracture in her heart to widen a little more.
Kate spent a long night torturing herself, imagining her and the kids walking barefoot on sand, talking openly as the sun sank on the horizon. It was not to be. In the morning she surveyed the floor, now strewn with tear-soaked tissues, and she decided to go away anyway.
For the first time in her life there was nowhere that she needed to be, no house, job or family eager for her return. She might as well stay in a hotel abroad as a hotel in London, where she could gather her thoughts in peace and sit in the sunshine. St Lucia – even the name was exotic on her lips.
At Gatwick, she found herself filled with dread; it was as if everyone but her in the departure lounge knew the drill. The eighteen years she had spent isolated under Mark’s control, then the time in prison, meant she was out of practice at being in a strange crowd. It was ridiculous really, that having lived with murderers and drug dealers for the last five years, she was now