think things will ever go back to normal, whatever “normal” is. And actually I’m not sure I want them to. No, I’ve decided. Surprisingly, it’s quite an easy decision for me. The fact is, I thought I could make a difference, but I can’t… I didn’t… or she would still be here and that is that.’
‘It doesn’t work that way, Kate, and in time, with a clearer head, you will see that. You have helped a lot of girls, most of whom are now thriving, and have changed lives because of you, because of us. Don’t lose sight of that.’
Kate studied the mug of strong tea between her hands. The only thing that eased her shivering core was the constant, slow sipping of hot tea.
‘I keep thinking that I should have handled the drugs thing differently. Maybe I was too aggressive or dismissive. If only I had been a tad more understanding. It was because I was tired and my head was whirring with all that I’d seen at the exhibition. I can’t even remember what I said exactly, but I wish I’d done it differently. What Tanya needed was my help and yet I went into her room, played the heavy. Maybe if I hadn’t…’
Natasha smiled grimly. ‘Kate, you wouldn’t know how to play the heavy if your life depended on it and the girl had crack cocaine in our home – that is not a small thing. What was the alternative, not mention it? Of course you had to. You can’t beat yourself up about this, Kate. You can miss her, yes; grieve for her, of course, but please don’t blame yourself. It won’t do you any good and it won’t bring her back.’
‘Do you think I don’t know that, Tash?’
‘Yes of course you know that, but my job is to remind you that Tanya had a whole stack of problems before she ever came into our lives, problems that you and I can’t begin to fathom, especially with so many pieces of the jigsaw missing. It is never, ever one thing that pushes someone to make a decision like that. It’s something that simmers and grows over time; the decision might have been made long before she even met us.’
‘I know that sounds logical, but she was making such good progress. She was happy here, I know she was.’
‘Yes, she did seem happy, but we were only just beginning to scratch the surface and you know as well as I that often what we see on the outside is not always a true reflection of what is going on inside.’
Kate pictured herself at Mountbriers, painting on a bright smile, pulling back her shoulders and trying to convince everyone that all was well with her world. She continued as though her friend had not spoken.
‘I think Dom was right: I’m an amateur psychologist hiding away down here. It’s no good. I just don’t want to be here any more.’
‘Did you see the letter Stacey sent? If nothing else, then look at what you did for her. She’s back home, she’s on the road to full recovery and you did that!’
‘Or maybe she would have bounced back anyway; maybe I’m just muddling in where I shouldn’t.’
‘Look how far you have come, Kate. Look how different your life is!’
‘Oh it’s different, granted, but recently I’ve been feeling as if I simply got off a rollercoaster and onto a roundabout and I’ve had enough.’
Natasha shook her head. She had never seen her friend this negative.
‘Why don’t you take a trip? A change of scenery might put things into perspective a bit.’
‘How much more perspective do you think I need, Tash? We’ve just had Tanya’s funeral, just buried an empty coffin that represented her pointless little life! All she wanted was a bloody coffee machine. It wasn’t much to ask, was it?’
She instantly regretted raising her voice.
‘I’m sorry. I’m not shouting at you.’
‘I know that, honey. It’s fine, you can shout as much as you want to. I just think that maybe you need to get out of this environment. Why not go and see Simon? You’ve been talking for a while about going and seeing the mission’s new building.’
‘No, that’s the last place I want to go. I don’t need reminding of all my good intentions when I started here; it would make it worse somehow.’
‘Well, I’m going away, Kate. I’m taking a month to go up to the Lakes to walk and paint. I’ll stop off at Fran’s en route.