glad that it happened – if we’re ever going to work out our marriage, maybe I need something big to forgive too.’
I do recognize her – it is Eleanor, it’s just not the Eleanor I’ve always known, my eldest has finally grown up. ‘I am trying Mum,’ she says and she hands me back Daisy. ‘Noel is too – he will be her dad, I just don’t know when.’ She looks at her baby and I know she loves her, I know now that I’m not so scared anymore.
‘Daisy!’ Charlotte skids in the room and comes to a halt when she sees that Eleanor is here. ‘Oh, hi Eleanor,’ she says and, well, it’s a bit embarrassing to tell you the next bit, but that's how it is around Eleanor and Noel - Charlotte duly walks over and flashes her teeth. It was the same for me – my teeth were shocking and Noel fixed them up a few months ago and while I was getting work done, every time Eleanor came over, I had to show her my teeth, like a horse…
Anyway, Eleanor is fond of Charlotte and she’s nice enough to know that it’s hardly her fault and she tells Charlotte how nice they look, but Charlotte says she hasn’t had them done in ages.
‘Mum says we can’t go to Noel anymore.’ Thank God for that I think. ‘She says it’s because he doesn’t do many evening appointments and with her job and everything… but I don’t think it’s for that reason.’ Eleanor and I share a quick yikes look, surely Charlotte doesn’t know what’s happened.
I mean surely.
‘I think it’s because of the new mortgage.’ I can see the shimmer of tears in Charlotte’s eyes and that poor kid has been put through so much – not just last night. Her dad’s gone, her pony has too and it can’t be about money, because I know Noel was hardly charging her anything. Maybe Lucy does have a conscience after all.
‘Maybe,’ Eleanor looks at me, ‘Maybe, I can--’ and then she closes her eyes, because, no, she really can’t face Lucy, so I step in.
‘Why don’t you tell your mum that if she’s struggling to get you there, I can take you,’ I offer and I look to Eleanor who nods.
After Eleanor has gone I leave Charlotte to get Daisy off to sleep because the phone rings and it’s a call I don’t want her to know about.
I take the call in my bedroom and then when I hang up it rings again and it’s Paul.
‘Shouldn’t you be asleep?’
‘I can’t sleep,’ he says. ‘Do you understand why I couldn’t tell you?’
‘Of course.’ I’m actually proud that he didn’t. ‘Was that your stress at work?’
‘Yep,’ he admits.
‘I thought…’ when I falter, he pushes me to go on. ‘I thought you just didn’t like me talking about him.’
‘Maybe a bit of that too.’
His honesty surprises me. I’m not used to it I guess. ‘I think it’s because he died, it just bought a lot of stuff up.’
‘I get that,’ he says. ‘It’s just…’
‘Just what?’
‘You just seem to miss him so much.’
‘Miss him?’ I frown. ‘No,’ I tell Paul. ‘It’s not like that. I think I’m still angry.’
‘We'll talk about it. Not on the phone though,’ Paul says. ‘We need to talk properly.’
‘Honestly?’ I check.
‘Honestly.’ He says.
Then my throat goes all tight, because here I am demanding honesty but there’s something I can never tell him.
Something that I’d die if it ever came out.
I honestly think I would.
Paul doesn’t notice my silence, he just carries on talking. ‘I’m not going to lose you to a dead guy, Gloria.’
‘Call around on your way to work,’ I offer.
‘It’s going to take more than a quick chat,’ Paul says.
‘Not about that.’ I grin, because it sounds like we really are going to be able to talk about things, well not everything, I am allowed to keep some things to me. ‘I’ve got loads of other stuff to tell you. You’re not going to believe this…’ and quickly I tell him that I’m going to be taking Charlotte to the dentist and he starts to laugh and yes, because it’s me, he can believe it, he says. ‘Oh, but there’s more…’ There’s so much more to tell him but I’m not going to on the phone. There isn’t time because there’s someone at the door and he can come over on his way to work tonight if he wants to hear that Eleanor knows about Lucy