for making the day better for Charlotte.
‘You sure you’re all right, pet?’ Mum asks, because she’s off to her friends. ‘I can stay.’
‘I’m fine,’ I say. I want to be on my own but it’s not like the last time and I can see that Mum’s not scared to leave me now.
The puppy should sleep downstairs but he's crying and scratching on the door. My strict, never allowed upstairs, doesn't even make it through the first night because later, much later, as I head to bed, I hear tears coming from a little girl’s room.
‘Fancy company?’ I knock on Charlotte’s door and go in but I give her a few seconds to wipe her eyes before I turn on her light. She misses her dad and I can’t fix that, I want to, I just can’t, but I see a grin of delight when she sees the puppy.
I set up a box but I know he’ll be on her bed the minute I’m gone.
As he should be.
I pick him up and I put him in her arms. I stroke his little ears and I’m so glad that he’ll be there for Charlotte through the nights, that she’s got someone to hold on to.
‘It’s like having a baby again,’ I say. ‘What with all the puppy milk and wees and poos…’
‘Why did you only have one?’ she asks and the absence of bile is there again. I just smile and stroke the puppy’s ears. ‘We were so happy with just you,’ I say.
‘Would you ever have another baby?’
I just look at the puppy, I’ve never really thought about it.
Okay - it’s you and I’m trying to be honest. Remember the time Luke came over and I had Daisy on my hip? Sometimes I jiggle that around a bit in my mind, sometimes I wish that she’d been mine and he’d been coming home to me.
‘If I could get one as cute as Daisy I would,’ I say, and that makes Charlotte smile.
‘You need a boyfriend first,’ Charlotte says.
Well, actually you don’t these days but I just look at her.
‘It’s too soon after dad,’ I say.
‘Do you miss him?’
Today I do, and my eyes fill up with tears and I nod and she cuddles me and I cuddle her and I feel her come back a little bit more to me.
‘I won’t be upset,’ she says, ‘if you get a boyfriend.’ She’s trying to comfort me, trying to come up with a solution, trying to fix but some things other people, even those that love you, can’t. ‘You’re so pretty…’
I lift my head and I look at her and I tell her the absolute truth. It’s taken me a lifetime to learn it but I want Charlotte to learn it now. ‘You need to feel pretty on the inside.’ I stroke the puppy’s ears again and his head nuzzles into my hand. ‘And I’m starting to…’
I give her a kiss and I close the door and I walk out and where’s her dad to tell me I handled that well?
I get that horrible shiver down my arms and I realise that he’s here.
Sometimes I feel that he’s here.
I sometimes don’t feel that he’s completely left our world.
It’s too spooky and I don’t like spooky, so I pour myself a brandy and I congratulate myself that I’ve made it through Christmas. I’ve cobbled one together, a good one even.
I log on and check her Facebook – I’m much more on top of all that now and Charlotte knows that I do it. Then I log off hers and I check mine.
Charlotte set me up on it yesterday and I’ve got about five friends but I see that there are a few friend requests.
Yolanda from the supermarket.
Some guy called Hans claiming to be my father (not really, that’s a little joke).
That sleazy estate agent that I used to shag (not the recent one – sold my house without a single flirt)
And Luke.
Which is awkward, because, well I’m friends with Jess on there but I am friends with Luke as well now.
That’s all we are.
I feel sick as I confirm him and then I feel even sicker when a message balloon pops up at the bottom of my screen.
Hi Lucy
Hi
What are you doing up?
Puppy wouldn’t sleep – he is now.
He???
Oh God, it’s started!
I thought Charlotte said it was called Holly.
It is.
That’s a girl’s name!
I know.
There’s a long pause and my fingers hover over the keyboard and then I type – She wanted a Christmas name