really want to know what went on but I can guess.
I was married to him after all.
I close my eyes and I remember.
For the first time I properly look at my marriage and I look properly at me.
I’ve tried so hard not to.
I remember things I can never share with another.
Not even Paul.
Especially, not Paul.
I want something to eat; I’ll make a big mug of coffee and some toast. I’ve got some peanut butter. I try not to have it in the house because if it’s there I get tempted, but Daniel likes peanut butter and I know that I bought some last week. I hear a wail from Daisy upstairs and I grit my teeth as I run up the stairs. I don't want her to wake Charlotte. Daisy’s sleeping through now but she must be unsettled from being dragged out in the night.
She's not crying though. She’s turned herself over and put herself back to sleep and Charlotte is out for the count.
This time, when I leave them, I don't go back downstairs. I don’t care if I left the kitchen light on, I just don't want to go near the kitchen because, if I do, I won't stop till the whole loaf is gone. Instead I go to my bedroom, the one I once shared with him. I sit on the bed where we once slept and I think of all the chaos he left behind.
I’d like five minutes with his body again, just so that I can kill him.
I wouldn’t be begging for him to look after his girls.
I’d be pleading with him to stay the hell away.
He can never make up for the damage he did.
CHAPTER THIRTY EIGHT
‘How’s Charlotte now?’ Eleanor looks up, from where she's changing Daisy’s nappy.
‘She seems okay.’ Charlotte is on Facebook, I asked her to go on it so that Eleanor could have some time with Daisy.
Eleanor is looking better.
This morning we’ve had a long chat and she’s told me she’s sleeping with Noel. That he’s round quite a bit and sometimes he stays and she thinks there is hope for them.
I don’t know how I feel about it. If Noel is going to get back with Eleanor, then he needs to understand that that means Daisy too. Still, I get that they might need some time. I’m worried too though, knowing what I know about Noel and Lucy. So I changed the subject.
I told about her about the carry on last night, well not the part about Paul and how it seemed her dad was up to his old tricks as he died, I told her that Lucy was in a right old state. I watch her now as she kisses her daughter's foot and I am warmed that the bond is starting, just worried that it is taking so long.
All I bloody do is worry.
‘Her mum will be here soon.’ I say to Eleanor when she asks after Charlotte.
‘That bitch.’ Eleanor says.
‘Don't speak like that in front of Daisy,’ I say, ‘and remember Charlotte’s here.’ I’m surprised; Eleanor is not usually like that, it’s Alice and Bonny that call Lucy names. Eleanor’s managed to keep things civil with Lucy, Noel did too - he does Charlotte’s braces, those fancy ones that you can hardly see.
Or he did.
God, another thing to worry about.
‘Lucy is a bitch though,’ Eleanor says and she picks up Daisy and holds her high and blows kisses onto her tummy and speaks in a baby voice to her little girl. ‘Did your daddy to be, sleep with your step nanny?’ She turns to me as Daisy happily squeals for more of her mother’s kisses and she misinterprets my stunned expression. ‘They did.’ Eleanor says. ‘After the funeral!’
I don’t understand how she knows. More than that, I can’t believe how calm Eleanor is – I mean, she’s standing there with Daisy on her hip now and I think she’s even grinning.
‘It’s true!’ She says to the gaping hole of my mouth that is taking up my face.
‘Who told you?’
‘Scaredy Cat, Noel,’ she smirks. ‘He sobbed it all out the other week.’
I don't know my daughter – you think you know someone, you think that you know how they’ll react in certain situations but in truth, you don’t.
‘I’m actually glad that it happened,’ Eleanor says. ‘Not that I’ll ever tell him that.’ She looks down at Daisy who’s wriggling in her arms and blowing raspberries and wanting more kisses on her tummy from her mum. ‘I am actually