her. I was just starting to see a glimmer of light when her dad went and died. Now her tears and questions and grief are so constant and for the last two nights she’s wet the bed.
I honestly don’t know what to do.
‘I want to see the baby.’
‘Soon,’ I say.
I’m up in her bedroom and she’s face down on the bed and I’m sitting on it rubbing her shoulder and, very annoyingly, Mum’s standing over me, rubbing mine.
Mum’s even offered to take her to see the baby.
Believe me, that is so not going to happen.
I just don’t know what to do.
Normally he’d have taken her to see the baby. I hardly ever see his family. Eleanor, I see a little bit and Noel a bit more lately, because he’s doing Charlotte’s braces, but I have nothing to do with the rest of them. Except these past few days I seem to be dealing with them more and more. Bonny rang this morning demanding to know when the funeral will be held and what’s holding it up? As if it’s my fault that the coroner hasn’t released the body. Wouldn’t they all love it if I told them what was holding things up?
The Coroner’s Office has been marvellous actually.
I’ll hear anytime soon, the lady I spoke to told me. I think they are speaking with his GP and I should hear later this afternoon.
Please God that he got the Viagra from Dr Patel and not the internet.
Please may he not have taken anything else, or been doing something kinky. Please let it all be above board, please may there be nothing else to find out.
Wouldn’t they just love it, wouldn’t they love hearing that their father did the same to me?
‘Lucy,’ Jess comes to the door. ‘Phone.’
‘I’ll stay with Charlotte,’ Mum says, and sits down to knead a less resisting shoulder as I go out to the landing.
‘It’s Alice,’ Jess says and I take the phone and walk back to the bedroom to give it to Charlotte, but Jess stops me. ‘She wants to speak to you.’
Great!
Alice wants to discuss the hymns and reading and things – she’s not trying to take over she assures me– which is a joke. Everything I suggest she dismisses, says that her dad wouldn’t want that – as if she sat down and discussed it all in detail with him just last week. ‘We just want some input,’ Alice says and I close my eyes - some input? They’re running the show. I wanted the funeral parlour that does it all, and a cremation, but you’d think I wanted to burn him alive from their reaction. Now it’s to be held in a church. I just grit my teeth and force myself to sound pleasant when I respond to her.
Wicked stepmother indeed!
‘Why don’t you email me some of your favourite hymns and readings and tell me who you want to speak?’
Oh, but that’s not enough for them.
‘Could we be there when you discuss the service with the vicar?’
I’m the nicest stepmother I know. ‘Of course,’ I say. ‘He’s coming this evening. You’re more than welcome to come over.’ I receive reluctant thanks and while I’m being so nice and reasonable, I decide that it’s time for them to be.
‘Is Eleanor home from the hospital?’ There’s another round of silence but I push on. ‘Only, I tried to ring and left a message. The thing is, Charlotte’s desperate to see the baby and normally your dad would have taken her to visit by now. I was going to ring Noel…’
That prompts her to speak. ‘Eleanor’s still in the hospital.’
‘Is everything okay?’ I ask.
‘Just a few problems with feeding - the baby was a bit small.’
‘Okay.’ I think of Charlotte, I think of the one piece of good news I can give her and it forces me to speak on. ‘I might bring Charlotte in to visit this afternoon.’
‘Mum’s there a lot.’
That was my warning not to go, I tell Jess. She really is the most amazing friend. Jess has taken this week off work. There is just so much to sort out and we’re wading through it and she's helping me–but she won't help me with this. ‘Please Jess, I can’t have Mum take her…’
Mum will say something wrong, I know it.
Mum will say too much, for sure.
Mum doesn’t give a fag who knows.
‘Please, can you just do this?’ But the answer is no, Jess won’t take Charlotte to see the baby, it's something she thinks