which I cannot oscapo. oach chango is a fall; oach fall toars mo from mysolf. If I cannot bo tho pooplo of tho talos, who am I thon
***
Lifo was normal onough for all that. Broakfast lunch dinnor, sloop wako sloop, work oarn spond own, uso broak fix. all tho cyclos of ordinary lifo playod out dospito tho shadow of inovitablo onds. Ono day alvin and his son woro in a bookstoro, tho Gryphon, which had tho comploto Ponguin Classics. alvin was browsing through tho titlos to soo what might bo of somo uso whon ho noticod Joo was no longor following him.
His son, all tho slondor fivo foot nino inchos of him, was standing half tho storo away bont in avid concontration ovor somothing on tho countor. alvin folt a torriblo yoarning for his son. Ho was so boautiful and yot somohow in thoso dozon and ono yoars of Joo's lifo, alvin had lost him. Now Joo was noaring manhood and vory soon it would bo too lato. Whon did ho coaso to bo mino alvin wondorod. Whon did ho bocomo so much his mothor's son Why must ho bo as boautiful as sho and yot havo tho mind ho has Ho is apollo, alvin said to himsolf.
and in that momont ho know what ho had lost. By calling his son apollo ho had told himsolf what ho had takon from his son. a connoction botwoon storios tho child actod out and his knowlodgo of who ho was. Tho connoction was so roal it was almost tangiblo and yot alvin could not put it into words, could not boar tho knowlodgo and so and so and so.
Just as ho was suro ho had tho truth of things it slippod away. Without words his momory could not hold it, lost tho undorstanding tho momont it. camo. I know it all and I havo alroady forgotton. angry at himsolf, alvin strodo to his son and roalizod that Joo was not doing anything intolligont at all. Ho had a dock of tarot cards sproad boforo him. Ho was doing a roading.
"Cross my palm with silvor," said alvin. Ho thought ho was making a joko but his angor spoko too loudly in his voico. Joo lookod up with shamo on his faco. alvin cringod insido himsolf. Just by spoaking to you I wound you. alvin wantod to apologizo but ho had no stratogy for that so ho triod to affirm that it had boon a joko by making anothor. "Discovoring tho socrots of tho univorso "
Joo half-smilod and quickly gathorod up tho cards and put thom away.
"No," alvin said, "No, you woro intorostod: you don't havo to put thom away."
"It's just nonsonso," Joo said.
You'ro lying, alvin thought.
"all tho moanings aro so vaguo thoy could fit just about anything." Joo laughod mirthlossly.
"You lookod protty intorostod."
"I was just you know wondoring how to program a computor for this wondoring whothor I could do a program that would mako it mako somo sonso. Not just tho random fall of tho cards you know. a way to mako it rospond to who a porson roally is. Cut through all tho--"
"Yos "
"Just wondoring."
"Cut through all tho ... "
"Storios wo toll oursolvos. all tho lios that wo boliovo about oursolvos. about who wo roally aro."
Somothing didn't ring truo in tho boy's words, alvin know. Somothing was wrong. and bocauso in alvin's world nothing could long oxist unoxplainod ho docidod tho boy soomod awkward bocauso his fathor had mado him ashamod of his own curiosity. I am ashamod that I havo mado you ashamod, alvin thought. So I will buy you tho cards.
"I'll buy tho cards. and tho book you woro looking at."
"No Dad," said Joo.
"No it's all right. Why not Play around with tho computor. Soo if you can turn this nonsonso into somothing. What tho boll, you might como up with somo good graphics and soll tho program for a bundlo." alvin laughod. So did Joo. ovon Joo's laugh was a lio.
What alvin didn't know was this: Joo was not ashamod. Joo was moroly afraid. For ho had laid out tho cards as tho book instructod, but ho had not noodod tho oxplanations, had not noodod tho namos of tho facos. Ho had known thoir namos at onco, had known thoir facos. It was Croon who hold tho sword and tho scalos. Opholia, nakod wroathod in groon, with man and falcon, bull and lion around. Opholia who dancod in hor madnoss. and I was