in their time together. His parental blueprint, past girlfriend history, the ethos of the boarding school he went to.
‘He’s right. I never did meet his friends,’ Megan ponders, finally managing to take a sip of tea. ‘And he never called me. It was always me calling him. I thought I was being all modern and pro-active. But actually I was just shoving my heart and vagina on a plate for him to rub into his ego and ejaculate inside.’
‘That’s quite a descriptive metaphor, Megs.’
‘Sorry. It’s true though. That’s all I was, wasn’t it? God knows what lies he’s telling himself about what just happened to make him “the good guy” in this situation, but it’s clear enough, isn’t it? I was obviously developing feelings for him, and he was eking out how long he could get away with fucking me and having me cook him dinner before I mentioned it, so he could argue we’d never even talked about it.’ She looks up at me. ‘I feel so worthless, April.’ The fact that she is no longer crying almost makes me sadder. ‘What’s wrong with me, that I get myself into these situations time and time again?’
I shake my head. It’s not like I know the answers. ‘There’s nothing wrong with you.’
‘Maybe I am just crazy.’
‘You’re not! Who is this cool girl who just totally goes with the flow and doesn’t want to label it, and is really easy-going, and doesn’t worry about having children before her eggs run out, or where a relationship is going, and wants to feel safe she’s not wasting her time with an arse? Show me to her. Because she doesn’t exist.’
Even though I’m pretending to be her, so maybe she does exist. Is every woman who is doing well romantically just pretending to be Gretel?
‘I miss him.’ The tears start up again.
‘You will for a while.’
‘Why did I do this? I was so happy a month ago.’
I squeeze her into a hug. ‘It’s a normal and natural thing to want a relationship,’ I tell her. ‘There’s nothing wrong with you for hoping this was it. He’s just an overgrown man-child.’
‘He is. Why did I pretend he wasn’t?’
‘Because you wanted to believe.’
It’s getting dark by the time she’s fully calmed down again. Late. We open the windows to try to let in some cooler air. I made her delete his number because we know what she’s like. We’ve agreed she needs to focus on making her jewellery launch the best thing that’s ever happened. I tell her about the boxing class and she perks up. ‘That’s great, April. Oh my God, I’m so glad you’ve finally found something that helps.’
‘Well, it’s only been one session, but still.’
She hugs me, then starts setting up Dawson’s Creek. It’s only when we’re sitting back down, her head resting on a cushion in my lap, that she remembers. ‘Hang the fuck on.’ She twists up to look at me. ‘I was in blackout mode so almost forgot. Who the hell was that actual man in your bedroom?’
My fingers pause in her hair. ‘Oh,’ I say. ‘Him.’
‘Him? Him? How the hell did I not know there was a him?’
I don’t know what to tell her about Joshua. I’ve not had time to think through Joshua and last night yet.
‘I just … er … brought him home last night. I don’t want to talk about it.’
‘But you always want to talk about it.’
‘Please, not tonight.’
And she must be really upset because she doesn’t push me on it. ‘OK then.’
The night turns inky outside, and we watch a teenager with a prominent forehead cry so that we can better forget our own problems.
April: Do you think Joshua is like all the others?
Gretel: Yes.
April: But what if he’s different?
Gretel: None of them are different.
April: But he might actually be different. He’s kind, he talks about his feelings, he calls when he says he’s going to call …
Gretel: Because you’re pretending to be me! The fact that he’s falling for it is proof that he’s like the others.
April: But I stormed out of that dinner. I was difficult and not easy-going, and he came over and didn’t seem to mind.
Gretel: Yeah, about that. Don’t fuck up like that again, OK? You really showed me up, bitch. Don’t let your pathetic trauma rub off on me like that again, OK? You really could’ve messed things up.
April: So Joshua is just like Malcolm and Simon and all the others?
Gretel: Yes!
April: It’s just, with him, it feels