your boss.’ We high-five before he lollops off, and I watch him till the sun eats his silhouette and I can’t see him any more.
‘I already feel a bit more like me again.’
My face cracks a smile. I’m helping. It’s worth it because I’m helping. I sit with my eyes closed, letting myself get to the threshold of a bit too hot for a few minutes. All I can hear are the gentle quacks coming from the pond and the low but steady roar of traffic circling the park. Peace settles into my skin until I’m jolted by the vibration of my phone.
I look down to find a fish wiggling in my net. A match from the new profile I set up last night. The app’s reminding me I only have a day to reply. I swiped yes for twenty men at random, just to set the ball rolling on whatever it is I’m planning. I’m still not entirely sure.
CoffeeIsTheAnswer: Hey – how’s it going? It’s soooooo sunny today!
I don’t even open his profile before I fire a message back from my fake account.
PartnerInCrime: Why are you on a dating app on a Monday? Don’t you have gainful employment?
I’m expecting a bit of a wait for the next message. I stretch my legs out and ready myself to return to the office. I do not expect my phone to go again. ‘No actual way,’ I mutter, retrieving it more out of disbelief than interest.
CoffeeIsTheAnswer: Lol. Don’t worry. I’m a taxpaying normal citizen. Just on lieu time as I had to work yesterday. Enjoying the sunshine! Why are YOU on the app on a Monday?
PartnerInCrime: I’m just on a break from work, been eating a Cornetto in the park.
Straight back. We may as well be playing ping pong.
CoffeeIsTheAnswer: Lol. Seriously? Wish I could get away with that at work. What amazing job do you have? Nice to dating app meet you, btw. My name’s Joshua.
I can’t help but laugh at his formal tone. No one’s ever introduced themselves to me on an app before. Well, unless sending a photo of their flaccid penis counts as a formal introduction, which, let me tell you, I can’t imagine Mr Darcy doing back in the day. I look down at my phone and a strange feeling of calm settles upon me. I watch, almost detached, as my thumb thuds out a reply.
PartnerInCrime: *curtsies* Nice to meet you, Joshua. My name’s Gretel.
? The First Hurdle – Gretel’s Guide to Dating App Etiquette
* * *
It’s probably worth pointing out that women like me, Gretel, don’t need dating apps. I just tend to meet men naturally, you know? I have such a busy and interesting life that things just happen, sparks just ignite; it’s crazy where this path called life can take you. So, I’m only really on here ironically, or because one of my many friends told me to, or because I’m one of those women who sometimes really craves hot sex with a random stranger, but not because I have any underlying self-esteem issues and use casual sex as validation.
But, if you’re not a woman like me, and you do have to use them, you pathetic, desperate mess, then remember this is the fun bit. Dating apps are just a great way to meet as many men as possible, so you feel like there’s an abundance of them, because, remember, the only way to not act like a needy freak is to feel like there’s always an abundance of men. Even though most men you meet on dating apps make you want to puke, scream, run away and hide, and generally lose the will to live … well, at least there’s an abundance of them, babe! Can’t go getting all emotionally attached to the miracle few who aren’t psychopaths.
When it comes to setting up your profile, think in terms of advertising. You want to sell the ‘idea’ of you rather than the reality. The less detail you have on there, the less reason you’re giving that abundance of psychopaths to say no to you. I mean, they need a ‘sense’ of who you are, of course, but leave it at around five per cent and let them fill in the blanks themselves. I mean, if you’re really lucky, you’ll end up with someone who totally loves only about five per cent of you anyway. So showcase a little bit of you and make it interesting – we all like going to the cinema and having