the entire journey home.
Joshua: How’s work going? I can’t stop thinking about last night.
Gretel: Me neither. That air con really was very powerful.
Joshua: You’re hilarious.
Gretel: Just wish we’d had air con in your flat for everything that happened afterwards.
Joshua: Messages like these are very hard to receive when I’m stuck in the world’s most boring meeting.
Gretel: Bet that’s not the only thing that’s hard, huh?
Joshua: Stop. Killing. Me.
Joshua: What you up to tonight? I’ve purchased a fan. It would love to meet you.
Gretel: You know how to tempt a girl, Joshua.
Gretel: But alas, I have to work late tonight.
Joshua: Never mind. It was late notice anyway. What about Friday? You around? I’m meeting some friends for a curry.
Gretel: In this heat?
Joshua: Yeah. My friend Neil found this really good deal at Dishoom. Up for it? Me and my uni mates? They’re a nice bunch. Very good at sharing poppadoms.
Two hours later …
Joshua: It’s just a curry. No pressure. We can do it some other time. They just want to meet this girl I can’t stop talking about :) :)
Joshua: Seriously, no dramas.
Gretel: Chill Joshua. I’d LOVE to go for a curry. I was just tied up at work. What time’s the table booked for? xx
Joshua: Eight. That OK?
Gretel: Better than OK.
? So No One Told You Love Was Going To Be This Way – Gretel’s Guide to Meeting The Friends
* * *
The meeting of The Friends is a much bigger deal than either of you admit. You casually ask the other to come along to a thing, and they casually reply that yeah that sounds great – neither of you pointing to the giant elephant in the room that’s wearing a painted banner saying ‘BIG DEAL, BIG TEST’. Because if they introduce you to their friends, that means they have to explain to their friends who you are, and why you are in their life. And you don’t tend to do that unless you’re hopeful you won’t have to explain at a later date why you’ll never be seeing each other again.
It’s a fucking minefield.
You need to look pretty, but, of course, you cannot look like you’ve tried. You need to resemble an accidentally-beautiful eunuch essentially. Because you can’t let out any sexual vibes whatsoever. There is no room for sultry – we don’t trust women like that. The best case scenario is to be a sexy children’s TV presenter. Think Konnie fucking Huq. Everyone would love to introduce Konnie fucking Huq to their mates.
Conversationally, remember that you don’t have to say anything and anything you do say could be held against you. This is a first impression. The approval of friends matters. You will sour before his very eyes if they do not think ‘jolly good girlfriend choice, well done’. As always, bland is a good starting point. Remember, it’s easier to add than to take away – a bit like doing a smoky eye. Start unremarkable and build from there. Slowly. Whatever you do, do not mention politics or religion or sex or mental illness or past relationships or comedians you like.
Only say nice things about your partner. Do not tease him, or laugh at him. They are not ready to be co-conspirators with you yet. And whatever the hell you do, do not ask them for advice about the relationship. Do not look to them to quash your neediness, to tell you how much nicer/prettier/thinner you are than the previous girl he introduced them to. In fact, part of the ‘ignore the elephant in the room’ game is you all pretending there was no one before you. That they didn’t smile politely and shake hands and say ‘hello nice to meet you’ to girls before you. Maybe they even went on fun minibreaks with her. Maybe some of them are still in touch with her. Maybe some of them are hoping they’ll get back together and you are just a phase.
Ignore it. Push it down. Let’s all play nice and act like you’re the one, the only one, and that they’re not comparing you to the people before.
Do. Not. Flirt. Never flirt. Remember, in this context you’re all asexual with no urges whatsoever. Yes, of course his male friends will wonder briefly what it might be like to have sex with you but no no no, let’s all pretend that’s not true.
Be bubbly.
Be light.
Be a radiator, not a drain.
Smile a lot.
Say please and thank you.
Be interested in their jobs.
Comment on the weather or something but don’t be